Motley Crew

I went on a trip with the kids to California this past weekend. They are staying for a week to see their dad, aunties, uncles, cousins, grandparents. It was an amazing time for me. Very healing in so many ways to spend time with them.


I went to the beach with my sister-in-law Krista, my nephews, Jared, and the kids. Our motley crew family. To be able to see my kids together with their dad was great. To spend time with Jared and talk to him was therapeutic. To have my kids hang out with both parents, at the same time, at the beach, getting along and laughing together was the most beautiful expression of love I could offer them. I have tried to always maintain a level of peace for the kids when dealing with Jared. The issues we may have had should not be their concern, or a thought that presses on them daily. These issues are our adult issues. Two adults who started out being in love, and making decisions after all this time from a place of love.


For a majority of the world, being friends with your ex, or your ex in-laws is out of the question. There are battles with who was right, who was wrong. Battles of who did what, who didn't do something, what was said, what wasn't said. But, for us, we let all this go. That is what family is about, what love is about; overlooking flaws to see the true person, good or bad, and loving them in spite of the flaws the may have.

My marriage to Jared was not a happy one. There were more disappointments, hardships, and pain than fulfilment, happiness, and contentment. Some days I didn't know if I would survive until the evening because of how hard things were; other days I would be afraid for the evening to end because of how great the day went. I loved him. I wanted him to be all he could be. I was young when we met. Only 19. And, 2 years later, I was married at the age of 21. I would not let my daughter marry at the age of 21, not knowing what I know now. I grew up in many ways with Jared. I had hope beyond reason, and thought there was nothing he couldn't do, that he was the most wonderful human being, until we got married. After that paper was signed, things changed. We changed. Through it all, my in-laws were there, supporting us. My sister-in-law Arin would come over, listen to my cry, comfort me, and became a friend who was able to perform the hardest task of all, love in spite of the situation. She was a saving grace in so many ways during that time. With her, I was able to let go. I was able to laugh, to enjoy myself, to be spontaneous. My other sister-in-law, Krista, would come in, help me with what needed to be done, and take care of things I was too much a wreck to do myself. A month after I left their brother, my sisters and brother-in-law gladlly took the kids and I in for a week's vacation in Huntington Beach without hesitation. They wanted us there, wanted us to spend time with them, and loved my children and I the same as they did despite the recent events.

My marriage was not perfect. It was the complete opposite of that blissful "happily ever after." I was left in shambles, a shell of a person who used to feel so many things, dream, and love. Somewhere along the way I lost who I was in tending to, taking care of, and caring for someone who was able to to things for himself, but chose not to. The hardest decision of my life was walking away from him, and leaving with the kids. It came to the point where I didn't want my daughter to grow up thinking it was okay for a man to treat her in this manner. It came to a point where I didn't want my son to grow up thinking it was okay for him to treat a woman in this manner. The second hardest day was when Jared told me he was moving to California to be closer to his family. It took me 3 years to finalize the divorce. I knew I could not go back into the marriage, but I also didn't want to succomb to feelings of failure so evident on a piece of paper.

The day my divorce was final, and I went to the hearing by myself, came home by myself to the kids I was overcome wtih shame for not being able to stay married. I was overcome wtih grief of that facade of a happy ending. I felt robbed of a life I so desparately wanted; my reality was just so not what I set out to have. In coming home to my kids, they were confused, concerned, not sure what this new status for their parents meant to them.

"Does this mean daddy is not part of our family anymore?"

How crushing to hear those words from my young children. "No, daddy will always be part of our family. Daddy is our family. Just because we don't live in the same house, or in the same state will never erase the fact he is Daddy. Things are just different than they used to be. But your family is always your family."

These are words I have never regretted saying to my children. It is the concept I have attempted to live up to every day since.

It took me several years to really forgive Jared. There were different stages of this, and it was not over night. Initially when leaving I think he believed I would come back. I think he was surprised I left in the first place. There were issues with his grief creating havoc in my life. Havoc is never a good thing when you have young kids. The summer I left him was filled wtih many tears, frustration, trips to receive restraining orders against him, police being called, and my pleas to officers arriving at my house to not use their police lights when coming to our non-emergency to some call. I didn't want my kids to wake up, see the destruction of their parents. The years that have passed have changed both Jared and me. It was only 2 years ago as I sat next to him while attending his uncle's funeral did I realize I was no longer mad, upset, frustrated, angry with him. I had let go. I had released the bitterness. I had allowed myself to heal.

Through it all, I was lucky enough to have the love and support of my family,and of his. His family was now my family. I was a part of them, and that would not change.

Fast forward to today. It has been 13 years since I married Jared. 6 years since I left Jared. 3 years since I divorced Jared. I have had to deal with the kids all on my own. I have provided their food, shelter, clothing, school items, toys, etc. all by myself. I have not asked for help in many ways other than to remain close, and always have my children know we are still a family. My sisters-in-law have always been there, willing to hold my hand. The strength they have demonstrated, the love that has been offered, the ability to overlook issues between their brother and me is nothing short of a miracle. When having a great day they are the people I want to share it with. When struggling with hardships their advice is always sought out first. I talk to my mother-in-law about the heartbreak of breaking up with my boyfriend John - the guy I dated after leaving her son. Whenever I feel I can't go any further, or start to doubt myself, they are there to pick me up. Some of the best advise I ever received came from Arin after a breakup with John. I was in shambles, feeling really sad for myself. John was the closest to a father figure my kids had, and had participated so actively in their lives. When telling Arin I didn't know how I was going to manage on my own, Arin said "Ruthe, you will be okay. It was very helpful to have John around, but you can do this on your own. You always have done this on your own. You just forgot for a few moments when allowing him to help you. And that was nice he helped, but you can do this."

I am the most blessed person I know. I am able to forgive, I am happy, I am loved. I am all of this because of my family.