Desideratum

Why is it that some days I can wake up, and feel absolutely on top of the world, ready to soar with the birds, able to move mountains if needed...and other days are like today? Today is just me, being here, not feeling like I can walk across the street much less move the proverbial mountain.

There is no reason to this. I have much to look forward to, and wonderful things that have happened recently. I have no reason to complain or feel neglected in the game of life. None the less, it does not matter to the heart that you have no reason to not complain; your heart can feel quite another way.

Desideratum. This is the only way to describe this. While having so much to look forward to, I feel like Eeore always waiting for the rain cloud to come upon me, or my house to cave in. I spend so much of my day attempting to not feel this way that eventually it does not help, and there is my old friend from childhood wanting me to play the game of misery loves company. Without any reason, I am willing to pick up the game, and dwell there for a few minutes. I am getting ready to take a trip to San Diego, a place I have not been, a trip to New York City, another place I have not been. But lurking behind is that voice of impatience. I recently had a promotion at work and look around wondering if this is all I am cracked up to be. It certainly was not where my childhood dreams ever took me.

Maybe it is my impatience that leads me to the Land of Desideratum. I want so much right now, and maybe those feelings are there because I am being told to wait by the universe. Whether the universe is a calendar of days I must work through to get to the trips I am taking, or being forced to wait due to other people's actions, it is hard. I fear the black hole of loneliness even though I am surrounded by those I love and care about. It is just desideratum...