What the past year has taught me

The moment you made me an option in your life is the moment you were no longer became a priority in mine.

That sentiment of becoming an option verses a priority seems to be the theme of my past year.  That ability to discard what needs to be discarded, and cherish what should be cherished.  That ability to move on, forward as ever, and learn from the mistakes of yesterday.

If you had told me a year ago of all the experiences I would encounter within the next 12 months of my life, I would have thought you were joking.  I would have thought you were crazy.  I would have told you I would never endure through some of those experiences.  Yet, here I am, one year later, and still standing. 

Some days I may not stand as straight as I could.  Other days I stand straighter than ever.  I have been tested, tried, experienced great moments of sadness, and great moments of joy.  All of these created on hell of a year.  What were those moments?

Last year at this time I had just moved into a new place to live, and started a new job.  I was struggling with all that was familiar being gone, and replaced with uncertainty, newness, and change.  Today, I have settled into both nicely, and while the new place I am living is small, I have learned it isn't the size of what you have, but that you have a roof over your head to be thankful for.  

Had you told me last year at this time that I would go through not just one, but two breakups, I would have told you I couldn't do that.  I couldn't possibly allow my heart to be broken twice.  Yet, it has happened.  Both in completely different ways did this come about.  

The first breakup was in honesty, was in faith that what I was being told would not crush me but make me stronger. I will always love him, and as time has passed I have discovered I appreciate his friendship we still share together.  I am thankful he was honest with me.  I am thankful he let me go to grow on my own, remembering all the moments we shared, helping me build more moments of all I learned with others.  He is one of the few people I know would be there for me if I needed help.  He has proven himself to be reliable to this day in his promises made while we were together.  He still takes on the role of confidant with my children, still spends time with them, providing that fatherly role both of my children don't have, but may need more than I realize.  I am thankful beyond belief that he broke things off with me for no other reason than I am able to see him in a different light.  He was right, we wouldn't have worked out.  There were too many things I didn't see while I was with him that were not necessarily deal breakers, but just things that I wouldn't have been happy with forever.

The second breakup is not as honest, not as faith-filled, and only time will tell how my heart will heal from the experience.  Each day I face difficulties with trusting people now.  Some of that is on me, some of it is on him.  Eventually I have to let things go, keep moving forward, and try to remember all the wonderful experiences I had.  I was different with him.  I was more willing to open up in ways I had not opened up since I was younger.  I believed in possibilities again.  I believed in myself in so many ways.  While my heart is definitely on the mend, and it may take time to fully recover, I will always love him in certain ways.  He gave me something no one else has, and no one else may be able to give in the future.  It is sad that it had to end with lies, but I guess it was never meant to be if it ended this way.

I had to buy a new car when my old car died.  This was not an expense I was ready for, and I was not ready to depart from my car I lovingly called Fred.  The new car has been a source of frustration for some points, and has spent time in the shop for a car accident...but such is life.

We welcomed a new member into our family - Wendy.  Wendy is a cute little corgi/shelty mix that looks like a fox, has instincts like Cujo, and protects you like no other if she loves you.

I traveled more this year for personal reasons than I ever had.  It did help dating someone who did not live locally to rack up the miles, but that is another positive I take from the debacle it became.  I traveled to San Diego, New York City, Connecticut, a few other New England locations.  I was able to see the Statue of Liberty and World Trade Center on 9-11, went to a few airshows, fed giraffes and rhinos.

I discovered I actually like sushi, and enjoy eating it.  This would have been reason to question another person's sanity had they told me this a year ago, but now, I love the stuff.

I learned what it meant to support someone, love someone, and care for someone in a better way.  Whether this is regarding my kids, my family, or the person I was with, it remains true.  

I have learned that sometimes those you believe are friends may not be the best of friends you thought them to be.  Yes, they may be there for you when the going gets rough, and for that I am thankful.  But they may also be sharing your secrets with others, and this reminds me to be more guarded with my secrets.  It reminds me to seek out the counsel of prayer more, and the counsel of men less.  

I have learned once again that my family absolutely amazes me.  I am so fortunate to be surrounded by those who love me, who support me, who beyond a shadow of a doubt are there for me.  I have the fortune of knowing these individuals, their strengths, weaknesses, highs, lows and everything in between.  In turn, they too know these things about me.  Yet we still can look at each other with eyes of love, forgiveness, and forever know we are there for one another.

I have been so very fortunate to have a year as I have had.  In a year with so many ups and downs, I consider myself fortunate.  While I do not wish to ever relive this year, I do believe there were more positives that came about than negatives.