It is funny how someone can touch your life. There are those that come in for a short time, filling our lives with immense joy. Others who remain for a lifetime as a source of strength. And then there are those that come in, cause destruction left and right, and scars so deep you feel the Grand Canyon exists within your soul.
This is what the last relationship I was in has done to my heart. Where once there was happiness, once there was a desire to talk to him, support him, and help him, it is now a black hole within my heart that I hope in time will recuperate so that I can move on with my life, with him only serving as a blur.
It is not easy, being single. It is not easy to meet people, especially those with whom you want to maintain contact with. It isn't easy to find someone worth 2 minutes of your time, much less 2 minutes worth of the bullshit you wasted while learning they weren't worth your time. And thanks to the last relationship I was in, I have so many apprehensions about trusting another man.
When betrayal has occurred in a relationship, when lies were present, when the other person opted to withhold rather than divulge, you are left with this feeling that protecting your heart is of the utmost priority. Unfortunately, this also puts you on a high alert that pales in comparison to any national security alert that we could go through. You look at people differently. Instead of accepting someone at face value, you wonder when they are going to deceive you. Instead of enjoying your time getting to know who that other person is, you are waiting for them to deceive you. Instead of letting someone in, you maintain a 5 foot rule upon your heart at all times.
It hurts. It hurts that when someone tells me I am special to them I am waiting for them to also lie to me about their intentions. It hurts that when I see them on their cell phone checking email or text messages I am wondering if they are looking at something from the other person they are seeing that I am unaware of. It hurts that I am always suspicious of what I am being told, what I am being led to believe, and what may actually be truth don't seem to align. It hurts to care about someone, then have them disappoint you in such a way you feel you may not recover. It hurts that I get to walk around, feeling like I am on a tightrope 100% of the time, waiting to fall without any safety net.
The damage the last relationship did to my heart goes far beyond anything I can describe. The secrets, the lies, the omissions, the deceit. All of it waged upon my heart like a firing squad. I never even stood a chance because you can't make the right decisions for yourself and those that you care about when you are basing them on the lies you are being told. All I wanted to do was support him, care about him, and have the same in return. Instead, I was emotionally spat upon. I don't know when I will ever be over the actions he carried out so precisely like a hit man upon my heart.
Just when I think I am getting over it, moving forward, something new always pops up to remind me. A memory, something someone says, a smell, the mention of a place...And then it floods in. All that doubt about why someone who claimed to care could discard me so callously. All that confusion of how you can care for someone, love them, support them, and they return to you with lies. And just like that, all my wounds surface as if he is sitting across from me right now, telling me the lies he told me all over again. It is the emotional equivalent of whiplash...only there is no one to adjust your heart...no one to make things right with him ever again...nothing that will remove that pain I feel at this moment. The wounds are so fresh at this moment I am beyond words to even express my pain. I am not angry, but rather I am so numb to what has been done.
I just want to move on. I want to experience true happiness for longer than 5 minutes with the memory of you dancing in the background. I want to not feel so much pain when I see a picture of you. I want to not have tears well in my eyes at the thought of what lies you told me, and how you sit there, so smug, thinking you got away with the robbery of my heart and feelings. I want to not think about you anymore. I want to know that when I wake up tomorrow I won't have a single thought about the pain you have placed in my life. I want to never think about why you treated me like a scrap of paper, discarded when no longer needed. I want to remember what it is like to have someone actually give a damn about me, care for me, and take me into consideration rather than fill my ears with what you have deemed 'appropriate'. I want to no longer deal with the scars, or wonder if i will ever feel the ability to trust again. I want to feel again, I want to love again, I want to be myself again, unafraid to share my heart, and unafraid to trust.
Thanks for the scars, GL. Thank you for all the pain I am feeling right now as you sit smugly thinking you are getting away with it. Thank you for taking my heart, and smashing it. Thank you for that level of sensitivity you behold that truly is note-worthy. Thank you for helping create so much doubt within my mind, body, soul and heart based upon your actions. Thanks for the scars...
No comments:
Post a Comment