What are you looking for?

The question that always poses itself when meeting new people - "What are you looking for?"  I typically avoid asking this question.  Maybe this is why I have not found that balance I am looking for.  But I avoid it for specific reasons.  I want to make sure I am not emulating qualities another is looking for.  I want to ensure I am being myself, and being appreciated good or bad for those qualities.  I want to make sure I am open-minded about the newness that can be found in a relationship.  There are plenty of items on my imaginary list that everyone will never measure up to.  To enforce those items upon someone who is real, and may be a wonderful addition to my life seems justly unfair.

It is an interesting question to ask though.  One that even for the most iron-glad heart finds difficult to answer.  I don't have a specific "type" of man I am looking for.  I know what I am attracted to, but most times this attraction is not physical, but rather intellectual or spiritual than based on attributes seen with the naked eye.  What attracts me physically may not always be what is best for me in the long run. In not having many relationships, I have been both blessed with not having too much heartbreak, but still enough to know I am not a fan of the hurt.

I want someone who is spiritual, seeking the Lord, seeking delight within the Lord.  I want someone I can sit and pray with, share my faith, share my spirituality with. I want someone who is kind, sensitive but strong, someone who knows the value of working, but also enjoys having fun.  I want someone to say "I want to be with you, and with your children."  I want someone who understands the pressures of being a parent, but doesn't shirk away from those pressures. I want someone who is respectful of my family, accepts the family I have.

I want someone who will come into my life and enhance it.  At the end of a long day, we can sit together, hold each other's hands, knowing together we are stronger than apart.  I want someone who will look at me and instantly feel a peace within his mind, and joy within his heart.

I want someone who sees my flaws, recognizes my fears, and knows I am not perfect, but stays with me regardless of these things.  I want a relationship that feels like a safe haven in the middle of life's storms that come our way. Someone who will hold me when I feel the world is falling apart around me, wanting to prop me up.

I don't expect perfection.  I don't expect the other person to never make a mistake, never says something that is hurtful for unknown reasons.  I only require he try his best.  I want someone who is honest, and if he is feeling worried, upset, fearful, or joyful he is able to express that with me.  I want someone who is faithful, wanting to be with me above all others he may be able to meet or be with.

I want someone who can walk into the room and lighten the atmosphere by being there.  Someone who is not afraid to show me affection in front of others, and who gladly takes my hand. I want someone who declares to the world that he is with me, and protects me from the outside harms.  

I want someone responsible, able to maintain a job, and able to pay his bills.  Someone who understands the value of a dollar.

My heart has been bruised in the past.  I am not willing to rush into a situation that should not be rushed.  I am not willing to sacrifice the desires of a strong healthy relationship in exchange for physical relationships.  I am not willing to be with someone who simply pretends to be in it with me - he has to be active, show up every day.  I want to get married again, I want to celebrate a life with someone.  I want to grow older with someone who is my friend, someone who is my confidant, and loyal to the desires we both have.  Someone who supports my dreams as I support his.  Someone who believes in me, someone who allows me to believe in him.

I am not sure if this is out there.  I am not sure why it has taken so long for me to get this.  I am not sure if the qualities I want exist in today's age of selfishness, lies, manipulation, and feelings of instant gratification.  But I remain hopeful it does exist.  I remain hopeful that whoever the Lord has for me is going through the same questions, wanting the same qualities, and we are both just in the preparation phase to ready ourselves for one another.  I am hopeful I will meet him soon, start our process of learning about each other, and continue into a relationship that fulfills our heart's desires.