I will give you hope where there was no hope, a future that will allow you to dream big dreams, and the vision to live out what I have planned for you. Have faith in me, obey my word, and I will guide your steps.
The past 2 1/2 months have been very difficult. I went from believing in something to feeling all is lost. I made decisions that were based on what I knew, but not on reality. I made other decisions that were beyond my comprehension of making all for the sake of someone else's wishes. I have cried myself to sleep, cried myself to work, cried myself home, and attempted to not cry in front of my children. I have prayed with a fervent heart for something that was not meant to be, and once realized, again prayed in thanksgiving for my unanswered prayers. I have had to listen to others discuss my life as if it were up for debate, hear others advise that was both solicited and unsolicited. I have had to swallow my pride at times, acting as if I was okay. I have foolishly acted prideful at other times afraid to allow others to see the true pain I have been in.
The truth is, while these months have not been the hardest I have ever experienced, they rocked me to the core none-the-less. They have shaken my foundation of belief in others, in friends, in those I love, those I am in love with, or was in love with. My heart is broken, and for undeserved reasons. Well, undeserved in my terms, and maybe not in others points of view. Actions of others, their attempts to shield me rather than tell me what was actual, is never an easy pill to swallow. I have had to walk around as a shell of who I am, afraid of who to trust, afraid of what others may know, and afraid of how I will come out, how my children will come out, and how he will come out in the end.
The truth is, I feel broken.
I feel broken. I have lost something I found great value in. I found great value in the person I was in love with. I found great value in his time, in his spirit, in his friendship. I found great value in who I was with him. I found great value in the moments we shared, and the ways we were able to continue on despite a great distance between us. I feel broken, not understanding why this great value I placed upon a relationship, and upon him was somehow not returned in the ways I would have liked. I would have just preferred honesty, preferred to know how he was feeling and what was truly going on rather than discovering and having this confirmed by others. I would have preferred to not have everyone in my office know the true state of my relationship due to someone else, and not by me. I would have preferred to not have awkward conversations with friends as to what condition I was in, what I planned on doing, and offering to allow me to lean on them.
I feel broken. I feel as if the other shoe finally dropped, and in a way no one is able to recover. I don't want the world to know how I feel. I don't want to share my pain with anyone. Partially because I am not even sure where the true pain lies. I am not sure where to place my newly found reality in my life, and move forward. I am afraid to step forward for fear of causing more pain to someone that I never wanted to hurt in the first place. My pain, my pride, and my attempts to describe how my heart is broken have only resulted in resentment on his behalf. A resentment I don't understand wholly, yet know it exists because he has told me.
I have spent so many nights trying to rediscover hope, rediscover faith. While I rejoice in my unanswered prayers, I also continue to wonder what is so broken about me that causes those I am in love with to run. What is so inconceivably wrong with me that they find a reason to cover how they feel due to their knowledge of my own sensitivity. Why am I the one who is left crying in the corner, while they are making decisions to move forward without me?
During the past months, I have spent many moments praying. Some prayers were of great pain, of wondering where the Lord has been, because I have felt deserted and separated greatly from Him. In the smallest of ways He always shows me His love. To the naked eye, one would pass it off as coincidence. One would assume it was by pure chance. I choose to believe He has sent many angels to me for comfort in form of old and dear friends, of moments that could only be created by Him to provide me with His grace, with His love. I am trying to move forward. I know that what I had will never return. I know that what I wanted is not what was the best for my overall life in the long-run. I know that, regardless of my broken heart, regardless of the pain shared by the person I was in love with and myself, regardless of pride, of the loss of something I valued, that He is here with me now. He is guiding me to the next adventure I should be on.
For all the brokenness I feel, for the loss of hope, faith, and trust I may feel now, He will replace those feelings with the essence of His grace, His guidance, and His blessings. I only have to be patient.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
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