So what can I do to get closer?
I know there is more my heart can bear
I give you control 'cause I need you
To take me there
- "Closer" by Sanctus Real
In this brief moment of need, I am attempting to become closer. Closer to grace, closer to forgiveness, and closer to simplistic beauty again.
Life is always full of ironic moments that have the ability to resemble to playground bully at an elementary school. At one moment you are smelling roses, and the next you are standing in the landmine. Some of this may be due to how you react to a moment, or may be due to imagined scenarios. But either way, and regardless of the root issue, it is always important to draw closer to the One who will have comfort for you, regardless of your bad hair day, poor choice of words day, or general dissatisfaction day.
I have been blessed recently in ways that I could never dream. I requested help and received the help. I requested time, and received time. I requested attention, and received attention. But while in the midst of having one prayer answered in such a bountiful way, I neglected to place my faith in the Lord for other areas. Self-doubt is a terrible demon, and much worse than the green monster of jealousy. This demon not only invites the green monster into your heart, but it also dances upon your worse fears, flaunting areas of your inner heart more than any other. And this is where you make rash decisions out of fear stirring within. And what grand mistakes I have made.
Placing thoughts of "if only," "should have," and "why didn't I" only traditionally will make this doubt boil over, and spill forth to other areas. One of my own personal self-doubts hinges upon being a single mother, for one. As a single mother I constantly second guess my decisions. At the end of the day I am the sole person responsible for 3 lives. Within this circle of doubt are those feelings that I will not be seen in a serious manner for a relationship. There is always mention of responsibilities I have. And while I know of these responsibilities better than anyone, it is always a fear that I will not progress within any relationship due to having children. Another self-doubt is the feeling of not being able to have a successful relationship due to being divorced. These are really my issues of self-doubt that I need to overcome before being happy. Most days, they are not an issue at all. To even call them an issue is even difficult. That would seem I am calling my life an issue. In these things, I need to remember to pray, and to not allow the demon and monster creep in and reside within my heart. The only way I know to do this is continually pray for the right situations to occur; to meet someone who knows I have kids but is not worried about becoming a father to them, to surround myself with others who love me as I am, and only wish the best for my future. I need to release these feelings to the Lord, and allow Him to present the way. I need to become closer to Him, and cling to Him as a newborn infant clings to their mother or father. My fear is only creating issues for the present, and this is affecting the future I may have.
Life is always full of ironic moments that have the ability to resemble to playground bully at an elementary school. At one moment you are smelling roses, and the next you are standing in the landmine. Some of this may be due to how you react to a moment, or may be due to imagined scenarios. But either way, and regardless of the root issue, it is always important to draw closer to the One who will have comfort for you, regardless of your bad hair day, poor choice of words day, or general dissatisfaction day.
I have been blessed recently in ways that I could never dream. I requested help and received the help. I requested time, and received time. I requested attention, and received attention. But while in the midst of having one prayer answered in such a bountiful way, I neglected to place my faith in the Lord for other areas. Self-doubt is a terrible demon, and much worse than the green monster of jealousy. This demon not only invites the green monster into your heart, but it also dances upon your worse fears, flaunting areas of your inner heart more than any other. And this is where you make rash decisions out of fear stirring within. And what grand mistakes I have made.
Placing thoughts of "if only," "should have," and "why didn't I" only traditionally will make this doubt boil over, and spill forth to other areas. One of my own personal self-doubts hinges upon being a single mother, for one. As a single mother I constantly second guess my decisions. At the end of the day I am the sole person responsible for 3 lives. Within this circle of doubt are those feelings that I will not be seen in a serious manner for a relationship. There is always mention of responsibilities I have. And while I know of these responsibilities better than anyone, it is always a fear that I will not progress within any relationship due to having children. Another self-doubt is the feeling of not being able to have a successful relationship due to being divorced. These are really my issues of self-doubt that I need to overcome before being happy. Most days, they are not an issue at all. To even call them an issue is even difficult. That would seem I am calling my life an issue. In these things, I need to remember to pray, and to not allow the demon and monster creep in and reside within my heart. The only way I know to do this is continually pray for the right situations to occur; to meet someone who knows I have kids but is not worried about becoming a father to them, to surround myself with others who love me as I am, and only wish the best for my future. I need to release these feelings to the Lord, and allow Him to present the way. I need to become closer to Him, and cling to Him as a newborn infant clings to their mother or father. My fear is only creating issues for the present, and this is affecting the future I may have.
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