Closing my heart off

I am an extremely sensitive person. I have been told this my entire life. And growing up until now, situations I have been in only lead to more sensitivity. If I think someone is upset with me, I back off. If I think I have disappointed someone, I try to go above and beyond to never disappoint again. I try to give my all, all the time. But what if what I am doing will never be good enough, or the right way to do it?

My heart has been bruised in so many ways. It should come with a warning sign "Heart bruised, handle with care." It has been bruised, but each time I somehow manage to get up again. Others may think I am strong - but that is not the case. I am not strong in so many ways...most of the time I am afraid of my own shadow, and hoping to just make those around me happy. I find my strength in my faith, I find strength in my family...beyond that I am fragile. I can act valiant if given the chance, but acting and being are not the same thing, now are they?

How many times have I just sat back, and let life go by for the simple sake of not wanting to cause issues, or raise concerns? How many times have I felt the sting of feeling ignored, or not knowing why someone may be upset where I patiently waited for them to shed light on the issue. Coming from some of the circumstances I have been in, I have learned to let the situation calm before attempting to solve anything. Maybe it is out of fear I do this; fear of knowing the truth of how I have disappointed someone, or made them upset. Maybe it is out of a need to just know I am not lashing out at the other person.

Sometimes I wonder if I read situations incorrectly. You know - you see something that was done unintentionally but still feel that tinge of pain in your heart? In going from happiness to sadness at the flip of a coin. I know that I share much with those in my life if I am upset, but only once the hurt is over. It is up to that point I am a closed book.

Right now, at this very moment, this is how I feel. I feel this awkward silence that may be all in my head. It could just be me, reading the situation incorrectly, and wanting something more than what the other is able to provide. It would be helpful, incredibly helpful, to have some type of bravery to speak up. But the last time I did this it resulted in my heart being broken. The last time I didn't vow to close my heart to anything new, but I didn't intend to disclose so much emotion. I could say I was brave in showing these feelings in the first place. I could say I tried my best, or that I was fearless in expression. But, at the end of the day, if the other person does not reciprocate due to many reasons, all I am is the person who gave and did too much.

I don't want to close off my heart to the possibilities that may be there in the future. I am always willing to show who I am, good or bad. I don't want to come off as someone who is hard, or unapproachable. I also don't know if I can possibly have my heart bruised again, and in such a way that I react by closing off my heart.

I don't wish to read someone's mind...I don't wish to know what the other person is thinking 100% of the time. But I also don't wish to feel left out. If you don't feel the same way, letting me know is better than continuing a farce or have me believing thing are okay. Kind of funny coming from someone who won't confront others, almost self-righteous. But I will probably never confront you about how I am feeling, so someone has got to do it.