So, today has been quite the day of one roller coaster loop after another...
It started off as any other day; nothing noteworthy or extraordinary. Last night was filled with lack of sleep, getting a friend at the airport, a text message regarding my kids seeing their dad this weekend, but nothing that seemed too impossible. Whenever something happens that seems impossible I always look for another option; the only thing you can do is press forward and not wallow in the depths of despair. But there was a brief moment this morning where I wished I could have called in sick to life...wonder what the HR manager of Life would have said!
The day started with me getting to work and realizing the files I was running over night failed to completely run. This is not too much of a problem - I had to restart the project I was working on, but that is nothing new. From there, I made sure I had everything set for the upcoming weekend as follows:
Flight from New York booked (confirmed last night)................CHECK
Tickets to Fiesta Bowl confirmed.............................................CHECK
Text message from sister-in-law about kids' trip...................FAIL
Flight from New York no longer as it seemed.......................FAIL
Files running successfully and completing at work..................FAIL
Maybe I should start from the beginning of some of this story. My kids were supposed to go to California to see family with their Grandpa Bill this weekend. They were unable to go before Christmas due to some health issues with a family member they were unable to go, however. Plans changed, and enter Grandpa Bill. My sister-in-law Krista texted last night that Grandpa Bill was sick and not going out. I let her know we would figure something out, and was determined for the kids to get to see the family this weekend by driving out for the trip myself. My other sister-in-law, Arin, texted me this morning saying the trip would not be wise due to other things going on and obligations that were in place before Grandpa Bill became sick. I lost it. I am not ashamed to say that if I could have, I would have been in a ball on the floor.
Why would I lose it? What would make me feel so helpless that I would allow a situation to control me in such a way? Simply put, I was now in the situation of telling my kids again they would not see the family during the holidays. And then, from there, it was a downward spiral effect. Every visit the kids have to see their family and their dad is usually planned by my sisters-in-law and me. There is really no involvement or initiation of contact by my ex-husband. I try to make sure the kids come out, see their cousins, see their grandparents, aunties and uncles, and their dad during the summer, and also during the holidays. Each time this arrangement is made, everyone has to bend over backwards, try to make sure the kids are taken care of, and see their dad...meanwhile it feels he just is along for the ride. And I made a very definite clarification - he may say he misses them, but his obligation to seeing them, or even desire to seeing them, is less than lackluster. If seeing his kids on Christmas were so important, he would have made sure the arrangements were made. He would have even called the kids to say "Merry Christmas" instead of relying upon a call from us.
So, I attempted to call him. I will no longer be making these arrangements. If he wants to see his kids, he will need to start the process instead of letting the process come to him. He was not available, and I was only able to leave a message. So, I called Arin back. I was so frustrated, so upset, and so tired. I have been doing this parenting thing pretty much by myself the entire time I have been a parent. And for this, I have worked through issue after issues, fought to not be angry, bitter, or otherwise unpleasant due to how life has turned out. But in lack of any type of need presented by him to see his kids, or thought of planning a visit for them to come out and doing the legwork, I feel taken advantage of. I do not receive any help from him, and this is just another layer in the onion peel I must peel back on my own. Truly, it is not anyone's fault or blame that the kids are not coming out - there are other issues at hand that need to be addressed for the majority, and my kids are in the minority.
The next thing that happened is really not even a frustration, just one of those things you wish you could snap your fingers at to improve. This week, the east coast saw a blizzard like storm pass through. With that storm, airports were shut down, planes were canceled, and the world now needs to catch up for lost time. This is not helpful when you want to see the person you are with more than anything for New Year's Eve, but weather, flights, and expense are in your way. He was all set to come out, until the flight he wanted was booked. In attempting other arrangements it was discovered that the cost to come to Phoenix from New York would be hefty. Tickets for the Fiesta Bowl may be used without him, and I may not have that midnight kiss on New Year's Eve. I do hope that flying standby proves to be successful, if that is what he decides to do. The only thing that can get him here is prayer, and the work of God making his passage.
And all of this happened within the span of 15 minutes today...15 minutes is all it takes, it seems, to unravel my day and turn it upside down. I still have hope for him to make it here, and will be feverishly praying for this to occur. I have lost hope that the kids will see their family though. That seems to be a cause that was long lost but something I was foolishly believing in.
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