The moments that change you forever

It is funny the things you remember when someone you loved passes.  You remember trivial moments, the way they smelled, their sense of humor.  As more time passes, you eventually forget the sound of their voice unless having their presence in your dreams.  Mostly, you remember the loss, and you remember the love.

I remember the first time I lost someone to death.  I was four years old, and it was my grandfather. I remember the months and days that led to his eventual passing.  I remember the struggles he faced after losing his leg, the attempts to walk again after his surgeries, and the times my grandmother, Ladybug, and I would visit him.  I was allowed to have orange soda - a rare treat for me.  We rarely had soda growing up.  I can remember very clearly the process of shopping for a dress for his funeral, and while I cannot tell you what the dress looked like, I can tell you I remember the slip my aunt bought me - it was a Holly Hobby slip that I still have today mixed in with the other baby clothes I once wore and my mother kept.

I can remember his voice, the way he would treat me like his little princess, the visits to his house, the last Christmases before he passed away.  What I cannot remember is going to his funeral, saying goodbye as a four year old would or could.  Years later I asked my Aunt Lorraine if my brother Richie and I had even attended.  I remembered the events surrounding that moment, but thought maybe we didn't participate in all events.  "Don't you remember what you did?  You and Richie walked down to his casket, and as you looked at him you told Richie to be quiet - Grandpa was sleeping."

Upon hearing this, I was relieved to know I was there.  I loved my grandfather, and after his death our lives were forever changed.  Around the time he passed away, my father had undergone a surgery, we moved into  an apartment - the only apartment my family lived in growing up.  My mother was pregnant, very ill during the pregnancy, and my grandmother moved in with us for a short while.  My mother eventually lost the baby due to miscarriage.  We moved to another state after my grandfather's passing, from Colorado to Kansas.  My grandparents home was sold and my grandmother went to live in Houston with my Aunt GG.  There was so much change in my world, that losing my grandfather was only part of this time.  The moments after my grandfather has passed are endless.  While he was in his 60's when passing, he has missed the 50th wedding anniversary he would have shared with my grandmother.  He missed spending time with my other brothers, Robbie (named after my grandfather), and Ray.  He missed spending time with 2 of my cousins born after he passed. He missed seeing a total of 7 great grandchildren enter this world.  I am not sure if it is that he missed these events, or that I missed having him at these events. Either way, the moment he passed away changed my family forever.

The next time I experienced death first hand, and not by proxy of it being someone else's family or friend, was on June 9, 1992.  I was 16, just finished with my sophomore year of high school.  Summer break had began a few weeks before. The last few weeks of school are always filled with trying to complete all necessary work for your courses, spending time with friends who may not be around for the summer, finding a summer job, and making sure everyone has signed your yearbook.  It is not filled with "what if" because you are so young, and ignorant to difficulties such as losing a friend.  You think you will live forever, or that death only happens to those who are older...much older.  I never imagined that the kid I had a crush on at times, who would use my locker as storage for his skateboard, that I would walk across the block to see would be gone before his life really ever began.  My friend Steve was 16.  He was hit while skateboarding at night by someone else, and died from his injuries.

News of Steve's death traveled fast.  After all, we lived in a town of about 12,000 people.  We had gone to junior high together, and 2 years of high school.  He was the kind of guy who was quiet, but also a prankster.  He had a great love and wonderment that surrounded his skateboard.  He was funny, had a head of thick curly hair, and shaved it into a mohawk at one point.  While at my house one day he heard my mother call me by my full name - Ruthe Anne Lane.  From that day forward he would call me that name whenever seeing me.  He was the only person I allowed to do this for the next 16 years, and even then when hearing someone else call me by that the air was always filled with a strange remembrance, unbeknown to those around me.  And then he was gone.

This moment when Steve passed changed me again, forever.  Never again would I take life for granted.  Never again would I view myself as indestructible.  Of course, I had known this all along given medical issues I had experienced while in 8th grade.  But it is different once someone you are used to seeing every day is suddenly gone...never to return...never to see again.  In the years that have come and gone since this, I have had moments where I believe I see Steve.  Seeing someone about his age skateboarding on a sidewalk is usually when the other worldly moment occurs. 

There have been other friends that have passed.  My friend Dustin passed during my senior year of high school.  Dustin and I dated for a brief blip.  We were friends, but at the end of his life the friendship was strained.  He was getting his life together when he was killed in a car accident on March 22, 1994.  Whenever hearing 4 Non Blondes sing "What's goin on" I literally stop in my tracks, listen to the song, and think of him belting this song out at the top of his lungs.  But, I will write more about him in another post.

In the end, those that touch our lives change us forever.  We are never the same due to knowing them.  While we may not believe the power we have in others lives, we should always remember to treat each other as if we will not have another day to share - treat each other with love, respect, and happiness.  Those that touch our lives will always remain with us.  It is in remembering them their spirit remains with us.  It is in remembering them that we allow ourselves to always search out and do better, perform at a higher level, and love on a deeper plain.  These are the moments that change your life forever, and should never be cast away.