Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

And you ask me what I want this year

And I try to make this kind and clear

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings

And desire and love and empty things

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

It is funny how life changes, and desires of Christmas past are no longer the desires of today.  As a child, you may have wanted to believe in waking up to a room filled with big boxes, shiny wrapping paper, and ornamental ribbons.  You thought of Christmas for months in advance, put together your wish list, and tried to be as good as you could in the event there really was a Santa Claus.  As you grew older, the boxes get smaller due to no longer wanting big toys, but now electronics was pleasing to your desires.  And finally, you reached adulthood, where Christmas was still filled with wonderment, but now also filled with the knowledge that it is better to give than to receive, but please don't skip me on the receiving in some small way.

This year will be one of the loneliest Christmases I have had in a long time. I will be surrounded by my family, but will be missing family living elsewhere.  I will be surrounded by friends, but missing that one person I would do anything to wake up next to on Christmas morning.  And rather than any gift I could tangibly receive, my only wish this year would be to know 2011 will be a better year, filled with better moments, and surrounded by all those I love and care about one year from today.

Gone are the desires of wanting the boxes...my desires are now to just be near those I love, those I care about. When I awake on Christmas morning, I will be with my children - the most important people in the world.  I will be able to see their faces as they open presents, and hopefully their faces will be filled with happiness. And as happy as this makes me, there will always be someone missing...someone to hold my hand, to embrace me and tell me I did a wonderful job.  I know the fact I am with my children should be enough, but this does not stop my heart from wanting to also have someone there looking at me with eyes of amazement.

In all the holidays we could celebrate, Christmas is always the hardest.  It is a time where you should be happy, but I find myself each year feeling more and more melancholy at the sight of mistletoe, couples holding hands, and celebrating the season together.  Each year I am caught in the whirl wind of feeling at my absolute loneliest while surrounded by so many others.  I am like a square peg in a world of round pegs...and for this it makes me feel more gloomy than glee.  

While I will be able to see that special someone during the season, it is the desire to have him here on that date on the calendar that I wish for.  While I will be able to see some of my family during the season, it would be nice to have us all together, celebrating together.

This year, that is what I would like.  No fancy boxes, nothing that money can buy, just the joy in being surrounded by all those I love and care about.  Just the contentment of sitting next to that special person while surrounded by my family...the promise for better days, where the loneliness is no longer present.