Know my heart, and you will then know me

Know my heart, and you will then know me

Understand why I feel as I do

And you would be able to capture my heart

Forever

I am four years old, holding onto my dad's leg 

As I am meeting new people for the first time

Shy as shy can be, hoping to melt into his pant leg

Hoping he can protect me
From the threats of the outside world

I am eight, mom holding me while I cry

We say goodbye to friends and all that was familiar

Unsure of change, unsure of what lies ahead

Only knowing I will never play with these friends again

As we move to a new home, new life
Several states away

I am twelve, unsure of who I am

Attempting to understand the world

Uncomfortable with feelings and changes going on

As I am entering my teenage years

But too afraid to let anyone know

I am eighteen, leaving home for the first time

Unable to say goodbye to my parents as I pull out of the driveway
For fear I would change my mind and stay

A mixture of joy and sadness at the thought

That when I wake up in the morning I won't have 

My family beside me

I am twenty, in love for the first time

Holding the hand of a man I love

He has just asked me to marry him

I never thought I would feel so beautiful
So special, so loved

As I did in that one moment

I am twenty-two, mesmerized by the ability 

To love someone so tiny who

Demonstrates unconditional love daily

Her tiny hands, tiny feet

Sleepless nights always forgotten in the morning

 When I smell her baby skin against mine

I am twenty-five, chasing after two small people
The tiny person that once was
Is now able to do "everything" on her own
The new baby born eighteen short months later
Is learning to do this as well
While I am happy they can feed themselves, and get dressed on their own
I miss the days of nap times where we could cuddle
And they fit so perfectly on my chest.

I am twenty-seven, quietly attempting to heal

My broken heart 

The man I loved has hurt me 

A hurt surpassing all understanding to continue
Life as we had both known

I did my best, hung in as long as I could
But in the end

I left with two small people, hoping to avoid
A continuing of further pain

I am thirty, learning to love again

Learning to believe again
Learning to trust again

Learning to live again

Now on my own, the two small people are getting taller
Both attending school

I am learning once again to not be afraid of

 My own shadow

I am thirty-four, unsure of what the world wants

If the past is any indication
And experiences of relationships repeat themselves

My heart needs to know if will I 

Forever be alone?

Trying to determine if I want to move forward
And in moving forward, how?

Knowing I can never return to the past

Unsure of my next steps

And praying all will come together eventually

My heart, so often bruised in the past
Resilient beyond an earthly sense of clarity

Always willing to forgive, 

Always willing to attempt something new
Always learning 

Always forced to move on 

Know my heart, and you will then know me

A little girl in a woman's body

Still shy as shy can be

Unsure of the changes around her but

Afraid to let anyone know 

A mixture of sadness at the thought

I never will feel beautiful again

That hurt will continue to surpass all understanding

Understand why I feel as I do
Offer me comfort, lend me your strength
Be fearless in your love of and for me
Never let me go

And you would capture my heart

Forever

~RAL