Dear Ex -

Dear Ex,

Since you are reading this, it only means we are no longer together.  How long is really irrelevant, I suppose.  In the grand scheme of life you will always be an ex, so time has no meaning.

I would like to first thank you for all the wonderful moments we shared.  I still cherish the talks we had, the way you would brighten my day with a random call during the day, or a text message.  In thinking back on our relationship, this is a fond point of reference.  I enjoyed our times we spent together as well.  There are memories that come to me based on a certain calendar date when I think, "On this date in the past, I was enjoying sushi, " or "On this date in the past, I was (fill in the blank with some place we went to), and had such a great time."  I haven't forgotten the way our first kiss felt, haven't forgotten the way you smelled as we walked out the door to go some place, the way you would look at me.  No, those images are forever within my heart.  I enjoyed getting to know you family, spending time with them.  I never put on a show to make me seem the better person, or attempt to have them like me.  I was genuine with them in who I was, and what you were able to see in me hopefully radiated to them as well.  I remember all the moments when I did something new, stepped outside my box and tried something I didn't know I would appreciate or like.  I remember how it felt to have your embrace, how it felt to lie next to you, and how it felt to hear you say my name in the random ways you did.  The nicknames were something I miss when I think of you now.  All the times we made travel arrangements to see one another, the feeling of anticipation to have you near me, the moments I hopefully surprised you with a card, or said the right thing hopefully are still available in your mind to remember as well.

I appreciated most everything, tried to not take anything for granted because I knew it could all be gone the next morning - that is just how relationships sometimes work. 

I still struggle with the pain at times, but am moving forward.  This is not a new concept; each time a heart is broken it takes time to heal.  Each day I feel myself becoming stronger.  Gone are the days I would drive home from work, taking a few moments to allow the pain to surface and cry my way home.  I feel fortunate to have allowed myself that time to feel.  I no longer look at the clock and wonder what you are doing.  I no longer see a time and translate it to the past, and some random time we would talk during the day.  And while, in a brief moment of relapse I may do this, I quickly remember the 'we' is now just a 'you' and 'me', no longer a coupling but a separate thought process.  In all honesty, both our actions have left scars to which are healing, and may one day be good as new.  Time will only tell on that.

It wasn't the fact we are no longer together that hurt.  That I can deal with if needed.  I can deal with loss, mourn for the moments we spent together, and learn a new pattern or routine to my day.  No, it was the method in which I felt let down.  I guess I expected more from you than what I received.  In the end, my hurt was more due to disappointment and the feeling of general betrayal.  I expected more honesty from you.  I expected or wanted you to look at me, tell me the truth, and let me figure out my own reactions based on that truth rather than the handful of lies or omissions I received.  It is hard to determine concrete options for how to proceed when you are not given the facts needed.  I am sure this was in an attempt to not hurt me; for that I cannot blame you. But in requesting nothing more than honesty I expected to receive just that...honesty.

It is difficult to talk to you.  Difficult to know what to say.  At this point I feel when we have talked it only led to more misunderstanding than clarity of emotion or state of being.  Part of me still longs for your honesty; the other part of me knows I will never receive this.  That lack of honesty, however, led me to feel that I was not good enough to just be leveled with.  I wasn't important enough to you to set clear what was going on.  I wasn't important enough for you to listen to when needing to express my own thoughts.  The environment in which we talk doesn't feel safe.  I don't feel safe in sharing my thoughts any longer; you will always have some type of defensive thought process to back up your own actions.  That is human nature. I accept this begrudgingly.

Thank you for showing me a different side of myself I had never seen before.  Thank you for being there while I discovered new and completely foreign things.  For that, I will always be grateful.  While the ending was horrible, and not what I had wanted, the journey was something I will never forget.  I may never be that person I was with you for anyone else, but for a brief moment I felt I could conquer almost anything as long as I had your support.  Thank you for all the times we spent, small minutes or long hours together.  And while I miss you sometimes, I am learning day by day how to proceed without you.  How to live my life in some alternate universe where we are not together.

I have started to see someone new who is bringing another type of energy to my world.  An energy I am at times mesmerized by.  He makes me smile; something I was afraid would not happen again.  The hands of time will only determine if this is something long term, but at this moment I feel that strong desire to be around him, that electricity when he walks into the room.  I have started to see the world again for it's beauty; started to view the simple seconds of my day with a new retrospect and sense of wonder that I had before you entered.  Thanks to the moments we shared, these wonderments are even more appreciated.  I have started to laugh again, started to remember what it felt like to feel the warmth of sun on my skin that only happens when feeling happy. 

I wish you well in all of your life.  I hope the world only brings you happiness, success, and joy.  I pray you are able to find a sense of peace within your world, discover whatever it is you didn't feel with me in someone new.  I pray you are honest with her, allow her the room to grow, and not run away at the first instance of growing feelings.  I want for you to fall in love with someone who understands you, supports you, wants to be with you in all the ways I felt for you.  I hope you do not grow old alone.  No one should have to face this life alone, even if they proclaim that is okay with them.