In spite of my life being ever consumed by the needs of others, I cherish those brief moments by myself where I can think. Maybe this is why I prefer a lunch of solitude as opposed to an every day occurrence of lunch with others. Every once in a while it is nice, but for my day I need that break from intruders or detractors. So, I find it troubling when I see some who cannot do this more regularly, much less feel the need to bribe others with offering to pay. In a world where we are always connected in some way, shape, or form, it seems the need to unplug has become irrelevant to some, obsolete to others.
I do not think of this as a character flaw. There isn't anything wrong with these individuals. Most times they are not lacking self-esteem, which is what you would typically think. No, they just enjoy the company of others...all the time...at the expense of being unable to value the time of others. And maybe, just maybe, therein lies the character flaw; the inability to accept no as an answer.
In my adulthood, I have never really been alone. I started with a husband and child by the age of 21, second child by the age of 23. My experience of being alone is not only rare, but virtually non-existent. My time alone consists of the few minutes in the morning before I wake kids up, the few minutes driving to and from work, and the few minutes I am going to sleep. Forget about personal time while taking a shower, or using the restroom. Those precious moments, too, are quickly invaded. Yet, my children are getting older. They need me less in some ways, more in others. As they have become taller in size, so have their needs changed. Gone are the days I had to worry about spoon feeding them, or diaper changes. Gone are the days I had to worry about electrical outlets being covered, breakables being out of reach, and toys being strewn all over the house...
Finding the ability to connect with yourself has been a challenge for me. I have so closely assumed the roles life has offered me. In taking some time away from everything and everyone else this summer it has been assumed I am upset, or angry with others...no. I just don't feel like talking to, dealing with, or being associated with the actions some in my life have had to offer more recently. I needed to take a break from the world and readdress who I am, what I want, where I am going with my life. I needed to be alone to appreciate the time I spend with others. I needed that down time to honestly determine what it is that makes me smile, on my own, without the influences of the world. I needed to rediscover myself. Yes, I lost some people along this journey of rediscovery. I understand that was a risk I had to take in order to feel better with my own world, who I am, what I need. If they were truly a part of my life, they will understand. If they were only there for the short term, they may not. But in the end, feeling happy within the confines of my own skin seem much more important than walking the tight rope of life for others.
I found, in my self-imposed solitude, that I am stronger than I once thought. I found items I was fully aware of, such as my level of sensitivity, to not be a flaw within my life, but an attribute. I found I do not need to call everyone back right away, answer every call, reply to every text. I found I love sitting,watching an old movie, without having anything else to bother me. I found that my level of insight in this world is a benefit I can share with others. I also found I do not need to show the world my insight, I do not need to allow others into my life and show them the open book to my soul. I found I love to dance while dusting, sing at the top of my lungs while vacuuming, and enjoy that monotonous chore of doing laundry. I found a way to accept who I am regardless of the pain I am feeling. I found some people to only be part of my past, others to only be part of my present, and fully appreciate those who are my future. I found me.
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