It is always so much easier for someone to tell you to move on that it is to follow that same advise. For those that look at others, shaking their heads, telling their friends how you should just get over it clearly have no idea what attachment you had in the situation you are unable to let go of. It is easy as an outsider to say "get over that guy" because they have the wonderful and blissful state of second hand feelings. They do not suffer from the first hand feelings of loving someone, and being let down. Of loving someone who turned out to crush you from your very core. Someone who stole your trust, stole your hope, and left you to bleed on the side of the road without support. It is easy for someone who has not sat next to you every moment you broke down sobbing, or refused to go outside into the world for fear you would actually need to participate for that brief moment in time. It is easy for others to tell you to get over it because they are not in your pain, and are not suffering from the same level of mistrust as you are. And you should never pay attention to those people. Their good intentions are just as dangerous as the person who originally broke you into pieces.
In an ever changing world that we live in, this is one thing that does not change - that need to trust someone. I have trusted others before. I have trusted friends to not expose my secrets to the world, only to be let down time and time again. I have trusted men with my heart to not mistreat my heart, only to be let down and devastated in the long run. Tie the two together, as is the most recent of trust issues, and it adds up to a disaster of heart, soul, and mind. A loss of innocence, a loss of enchantment with the world that surrounds you. A loss of what you once believed to be true, a loss of what you once believed to be dear to your heart. A loss of something you would have given everything to protect, to procure, to see flourish.
Once again, I am faced with the question of how to trust. I am in a new situation where there is no reason to not trust, but fear always beckons at the doorstep of my heart, knocking and wanting entryway into the deepest sectors of my emotions. It is not fair to automatically assume I will have my trust treated so carelessly as in the past. Yet, I am so afraid to share how I feel with the world for fear it will once again occur. After the last time with the roller coaster of emotions, the lies, the misguided thoughts, it seems I am a bit more like a deer caught in the headlights, unwilling to share this new-found happiness I am feeling with others. I am fearful my feelings will be exploited, that it will be made out as a mockery it has before, in that last attempt to find and procure happiness. At this point, the person this directly concerns is not even the issue for concern. It is all those in the past who have shown their true colors as very vividly untruthful, untrustworthy, and unfriendly to my heart that seem to be playing havoc and mind tricks on me now.
I am not sure how to express this new found happiness with the world, and so until then I must enjoy the peace of what I have. I must try on a daily basis to learn to trust in this new feeling, knowing it is with someone new who may not hurt me as I have been hurt in the past. I must remember on a minute by minute basis that what I am being told is the truth instead of another way to encase me into a neat little box waiting for when the other would once again be ready for me. I must remember that, as in all things, there is a purpose to the previous pain. There is a reason for the hurt, and a reason to have finally found my way out of the darkness I have been suffering with for the past few months. There is a reason for all of this, if nothing else but to bring me to this moment where I have more clarity to forgive, more ability to forget, and more desire to put one foot in front of the other to move forward.
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