Learning how to move on

The past few months have been a blur.  It feels the moment I started to feel okay with life, I was reminded of all I had lost.  Good, bad, or indifferent, I am not one that deals with loss well.  This I know, am not afraid to admit to.  After all, admitting this is half the issue, right?

I spent months feeling there was something wrong with me. If only I had done something differently, if only I lived in a different location, if only one million small trivial items had been different, I would not be standing where I was.  And where I was standing felt like nothing short of a tsunami within my heart.  And after that tsunami - the aftermath and pickup process of the refuge who has lost almost everything, living the life in shadows of a past that will never happen again.

It is hard to say what makes or creates those feelings within a heart that once held so much hope and promise.  It is hard to know how to learn to live life in ways that, for one reason or another, are not as you dreamed of.  All that I felt was this tremendous weight of sadness.  Sadness for something that truly did not deserve the attention my heart, soul, and mind were allowing it to have.

Much like that first moment you open your eyes after an unrestful sleep, I feel I have awoken.  FINALLY.  I feel as if I have hope again for the first time since March.  I have the sense that life will be okay.  I have stopped caring where you are, what you are doing.  It does not matter because you don't want to be with me any longer.  I finally feel I am walking in life rather than watching it pass by, I feel I am no longer a tourist in the valley of my heart, I am no longer a visitor.  I no longer feel I am standing at the door, waiting to go inside some illusionary room within my life.  I am no longer waiting for clarity from you; no longer waiting for an explanation I feel I deserve, or the apology you owe for all the hurt caused.  No longer do I feel I need to apologize for my reactions to the pain.  It is what it is, and I am learning how to move on.