Disappointment - that moment where you feel or know that something is not right, and there is no way to really recover without much time to reflect. When disappointment enters a situation, trust exits. And once trust exits, what is left? What can you do other than try to repair what is damaged, still hoping things will not maintain as they are now. How do you recover from feeling disappointed, and begin to trust again?
I think back on all the moments someone has wronged me in some way, it was the disappointment that hurt most when thinking of their actions. That feeling of being let down, of knowing they could do more or do something better, but they simply chose to do differently. That feeling of wondering if they will act that way again in the future, and wondering if I will be able to trust them now as I trusted them before the event occurred.
I recognize that I may be more sensitive than others. I may take things more to heart than others. And while I may appear to be hard on the outside, or someone who is "religious" it does not equate to what is within my heart. I AM sensitive, and don't like feeling like I am being pulled in a million directions. I am not hard. And while I am spiritual, I do not appreciate having others use this as a weapon of choice, or the topic of conversation when discussing me. I don't push my thoughts onto you, and I certainly don't push my political or religious thoughts onto you. Don't use that as a weapon in describing me to others. If the worst I do is pray and listen to Christian music - who gives a rat's ass...how is this hurting you? I am not praying around you...so leave it alone.
This has happened recently to me multiple times with the same person. Again and again I feel let down by this person. Comments have been made that hurt my feelings, and at the same time this feeling of disappointment where I wonder if they even care that their words were used to run me over. Actions, also, where they decide to do something that really is beyond my expectations in the opposite manner than I care for. It isn't that I want to feel disappointment; I believe I just hold certain things more reverently than they do. Some actions and words said would never be part of my thinking process out of respect for this person. I would never try to look better than this person. Yet, there are times this occurs and I feel like I have been run over by the express bus from hell.
I try to not damage my relationships, but I feel this person has overstepped their boundaries in areas of my relationships, and it is hard to talk about my feelings. The manner in which I have been hurt is something I suppose I need to get over, but will the other people in my relationships that were discussed feel differently due to what was said? Will it damage the overall health of the relationship that I hold very closely to my heart? Will the other shoe fall and something else is said that hurts, that damages both personal and professional relationships? I suppose time will only tell. Time will be the only judge of how things will end up.
To be disappointed in others in more than just feeling uneasy, feeling distrust. It is a method of pushing me away. Whether these actions have been on purpose, because they are upset at someone else, or unaware of how their words may hurt - don't bring me into the mix when all I do is support you in every effort you do. In the end, I don't want to be part of your personal train wreck simply because you were having a bad moment.
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