Random thoughts for a Sunday afternoon

I like to think of myself as a fairly positive individual.  I usually have a smile on my face that is real, a song in my heart that while no one else can physically see they can feel.  I don't like others to know when I am hurting, upset, or feeling alone.  Up until writing this blog, I only divulged such intimate details about hurt, pain, breakups, happiness, joy within the pages of my journals where the world did not have access unless otherwise allowed.  There are a few things, however, that are currently leaving me feel drained of energy.

I don't typically like to air my dirty laundry, and in not doing so am able to have a layer of protection from opinions of others.  It is not the opinions I am necessarily attempting to avoid, but just the knowledge someone knows this information, and able to form an opinion that bothers me.  These items within this post, for today at least, are the items bothering me so much I need to talk about them to release some of the pain.

1.  I do not understand how a person can have children, and once no longer with the other parent they decide to not be there for their children.  In the time I was with and since not with my children's father I have been parenting on my own.  There are many circumstances where I was left on my own to 'figure things out.'  Since our separation and subsequent divorce I have been able to work through many issues that caused pain to me personally.  It is always the issues of my children, however, that are hard to turn a blind eye to when they occur.
In my family, my parents are still married.  I do not know how it feels to grow up with only one parent.  For this, I try to adjust my own personal strife as often as possible because I realize my children do not need to always know if I am having a hard time.  Since 2004, I feel that anytime the kids wanted to see or talk to their dad after we separated, it has been up to me to initiate this communication. While this has been of great difficulty at times, swallowing my pride and pushing my own personal feelings aside have been needed.  My children, their needs, their thoughts, and their relationship far outweighs the need to have my own thoughts in the forefront.  While I will never understand why this person is unable to show his children the attention they deserve, they are lucky to have other family members, friends, and people in their lives that serve as an inspiration and serve as a role model.  And in terms of "searching" for that father figure for them - I do not feel the need to replace their father, or force that role upon someone else.  As in the past, they are my sole responsibility for the present and future.

2.  There are many times in life I look back and thank God for the path I have traveled.  My path has not always been easy.  It is still not easy. I think back to being married, staying at home with the kids, and being that parent able to watch every step my children made during the infant / toddler stages.  I would not trade those days for anything.  My days were filled with insight into who they would become as children, and as adults.
Not to say that the path was easy.  Most people think stay-at-home moms do not work.  "Oh, so you don't work?" was the typical response I would get when telling them my status.  Um...no, I work.  In fact, I worked longer days when at home full time than I possibly do now.  There was no time to take a lunch, no commute to or from work to gather my thoughts for the day.  There were 2 little people in need of constant care, constant attention.  My own stay-at-home experience was also riddled with the possibilities that come Friday night, my husband would not come home until Sunday night.  I would be left to my own devices to pay for food or anything that was needed during that time because along with him not coming home, he would not stop by to make sure we were okay.  Not having a car, I was stuck in the house.  Sometimes not having a phone, I was left to only talk to the children, and attempt to not let my own emotions or worry overcome me in dealing with them.  Emotional and physical abandon were regular occurrences in my life.  Feelings of dread, feelings of worthlessness, and feelings of loneliness were a common enemy.  When he would come home, we would then fight about where he was, why he didn't come home, and how this made me feel.  Sometimes the verbal fighting would also lend itself to physical fighting.
I have had friends and family remark on my strength.  I really am unsure if strength was needed in that time period as much as courage, tenacity, and the desire to just survive.  Truth be told, I am not strong.  I am just trying to make it to the end of each day without losing my mind.

3.  Disappointment.  This is such a terrible word, emotion, and scenario.  I constantly fear the disappointment I may cause my children based on not being able to provide for them, not be able to give them the things they want.  In reviewing my checking account balance sometimes I am overcome with feelings of self-doubt, and curiosity at how we will make it.  I have been very blessed.  Regardless of the situation, I always make it.  Things are always provided for me as I need them.  It may not always be in the manner I want, but I am always able to make it through.  In the years to come, as the kids grow and leave my house, I hope they look back on their childhood in fondness, and do not feel I was not there for them, do not feel I was self-serving, and realize all the sacrifice made for them.

4.  I am trying to be a positive person, but there are some people that just simply annoy me.  Those people that just seem to have too much interest in my life or the lives of those I care about.  Not that interest is a bad thing.  That is not it at all.  It is the type of interest that crosses boundaries.  This is the type of person who asks leading or probing questions the oblivious listener would see as benign.  But to me, it has the markings for concern written all over it. Right now I am thinking of a specific case in point, and truly unable to talk about it to anyone.  I can not express my frustrations because they may see it as benign. "Oh, that is not how it is."  While that may be true, it still leaves me feeling uneasy.  Over the past several months this feeling has been frequented whenever the person shows their face.  I can't shake the uneasiness, and just do not understand why the person seems so annoying to me.  There is an underlying deception to this person that I also cannot shake.  The situation reminds me of a past scenario where I felt something was going on, but was not being told about it.  It has led me to not trust people, and so here I am, revisiting these emotions that leave me feeling very uneasy and really just not wanting to repeat the past.