In the shadows of others

"Never place me within the shadows of the actions from those who came before me. I cannot make amends for them. I can only be responsible for my own."

There are many times in my life where I have been subjected to the actions of someone else before me. It is human; I get it. We protect ourselves by remembering the actions of others who hurt us, and become cautious of those who are new, entering our safe little world. This has happened in school, work, personal relationships, family. I am sure everyone in this great wide open spaces of Earth can complain about the same issue.

At what point, though, do you realize you may be missing something important or special when judging someone else based on evil-doer's of the past?

I worked for a company where the owner/president was so afraid someone was not going to perform if given 5 inches of room that the rest of us suffered. In the years prior to my being hired there had been many who had come and gone, graced their presence within the walls of the company. Of those that remained - their noses were always to the grindstone. Newbies that entered would automatically be assumed as lazy, or trying to take advantage of a situation no worth taking advantage of. I was victim of being accused of this until my last day of employ - where up until 4:59pm that day I didn't take the easy way out, but instead was submitting issues to the Development team at that time. I got off forever at 5. In starting my new job the following Monday to this day I suffer from the "Let's see how this pans out" mentality. I am told of new processes or people being hired and wonder "how long will it take before this is pushed to the side?" My previous experience taught me that as soon as a process is put into motion it will quickly be gone. If a new superior is hired, they will quickly figure out it is not a place they will remain long due to neurosis. This is in no reflection or direct relation to the new company; it is ghost of company past that leads to these feelings.

In friendships, I have been known to be the judge and jury due to others mistakes and the newbies that enter. I have a hard time letting new people in, and must feel secure before allowing my guard to be lowered. It is not fair, and I know it is not always right. But some knives others left in my back are still present, and still causing pain. Of those I let in, they are often friends for life. Of those that are gone, well, there is only so many lies, slaps in the face, stealing of boyfriends, and sarcastic tones I can take. Of those I trust, they may see more than they thought they were getting into. I rely upon them to be an anchor when I am floating away into oblivion. They are my rock when I am on sandy shaky grounds. It is a spot that is, in my mind, rare to reach, but forever in my heart once you reach it.

The most interesting place where I don't tend to create these rules is in personal relationships. I don't tend to create rules based upon previous hurts.

You would think after certain experiences this is where I would guard my heart the most. You would think after everything is said and done, I may not trust another person again. I have been a victim one too many times. But what good is playing the part of victim. We are all, in one way or another, a victim. It is one thing to live through and make it out on the other side of our pain. It is quite another to succumb to that pain and play dead. I regret not being able to continue a marriage; but in the end the marriage almost killed me. I was riddled with anxiety, fear, and lost who I was. I ceased from being Ruthe, to being someone who was afraid of her own shadow, and let life take care of her instead of taking care of life. The day my divorce was finalized was not one of celebration - the celebration would have been remaining married for 5, 10, 20 more years. I didn't feel like going out and toasting to a job well done. I had failed at something very close to my heart; I had failed my children. But the realization of wanting my children to grow up in a home they felt safe in, without arguing, without tension, without ill will for someone else was far more important for the bigger picture.

I dated a person who told me he loved me, then turned around and cheated on me with someone else who claimed to be a best friend. I dated another person who told me for nearly 5 years he was one of the few stable things I had in my life, one of the few people I could rely upon, only to turn around and leave. I dated someone else who was afraid that, based upon having children, I was wanting to settle down with him, call ourselves a family, and send Happy Father's Day cards to him. Two of those three men are still in my life as friends, as someone who eventually saved me from a life I was not intended to have. They all taught me an important lesson of how to learn to open my heart, believe in possibility, let go, forgive, and once again learn to open my heart, and to love again.

Of those past hurts, I have realized everyone is unique, and should not be changed. I tried so many different "methods" to change my ex-husband. In the end, it left me lonely and filled with despair. I vowed to accept everyone since then with an open heart. I don't make people jump through hoops, or "prove" themselves to me. But I also will pay close attention to what they say, what they claim, and what they do. The actions of those in my past are only bound to repeat themselves if I allow myself to walk down the same paths. And yes, there may be new hurts to feel, new losses to experience. But if I do not allow my heart to open to that possibility, I am a bigger fool than those who hurt me previously.

Letting go

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
- Isaiah 41:10

We live in a world this encircles us with fast paced trends, people who may not have our better interests at heart, and greediness in time of need. I feel certain this could be said of any time period in the past...we just happen to be living in the world at this time where we notice it ourselves. And in this world so filled with treachery, it is nice to know someone has your back. But, who is that person.

Humans were created in such a simple yet complicated manner. We yearn for freedom, yet don't know what to do if presented with no rules. We yearn for love, yet take this act for granted at times. We yearn for success, yet when received we yearn for more. The simplest facts become the most monumental and contrived moments. In searching we often find we are more lost. We dwell in a time long gone where we no longer have the ability to create a difference, yet forget today we have the ability to create dramatic change for tomorrow. And ever present - ever being - ever knowing - is our old nemesis, Fear.

Fear. I have written about this in the past. It is a terrible feeling to befriend and invite into your life. It will surely never do us any good unless spurring desire for change. But change spurred by fear never results the way we intend. History has taught us this through war. Every day I fear something. A week ago, my fear was silly girl foolishness. Yesterday it was being left behind. All these fears never result into anything other making me feel disoriented. I really need to learn to just let go. Placing your faith and belief into something other than yourself is definitely a well-balanced, learned experience. Placing your faith and belief in something that is not tangible to sight, touch, taste, or scent is sometimes even more difficult.

There are so many things I wish I could have done differently from my past. I sometimes wonder if I could have saved a failed marriage, or remained friends with people who I had differences with. But through it all, I have learned that if I just let go, if I just put my faith into the Lord, I am able to see where I am heading. It is from forgiveness of my actions that I am able to forgive a situation or person other than myself. In letting go, in relinquishing all fear and earthly pressure I find great serenity.

I do not believe in coincidence, or accident. I do not believe we are here randomly roaming the halls of our world. I believe we all are here for a reason, for a purpose. Our paths may take twists and turns. But how are we supposed to learn how to walk if we don't stumble. Our hearts can take more than we ever realize. People may enter our lives, then exit. Yet, we discover so much about who we are in the moments with them. This world is not intended to be filled with pain. We are intended to have a life filled with joy, and filled with love. We are all intended to provide good works toward others. Our lives are our journeys, but the Lord is always there as our guide to the correct paths. We just have to learn to let go, to allow Him to work within us, through us, and by us to our destinations. We may make decisions that are not pleasing to Him, but he never takes away His love, His strength, His beauty, and His grace. We may make decisions that are difficult and against our beliefs, but through His care we are able to overcome and have a life we were intended to have.

Quiet introspective

Tonight is one of those nights where I feel very introspective of everything. This has been a very busy month. At times I have felt like Dorothy being caught up in a tornado, searching for my way home, and back to those places familiar to me.

There was not a moment or experience that has led me to feel this way tonight. Most everything in my life right now has been beyond wonderful. But as I sit here listening to some of my favorite songs, looking at pictures from what seems another life, I suppose time has caught up to me. I do not enjoy feeling this way - a strange mixture of sadness and quiet rewinding of previous moments - and don't want to dwell here long either. I usually avoid this feeling as long as I possibly can. And maybe it is because I have been suffering with sinus issues and little sleep, or missing my family members and friends who are no longer close in this world - I feel so strangely lost, and insecure.

I have been told by so many people that I am strong. Those people are the same people who have walked with me on my path, held my hands in sorrow, and shared laughter in the good times. They have known me when I was at the darkest points of my life, and stuck around to see the brighter points come around. Because I am a single parent, those who have seen me grow into this role tell me they admire everything I have done. My sisters-in-law tell me they do not know how I do it by myself. My friends tell me I seem to have no fear.

But the underlying truth is that I am always terrified I will lose everything around me that I have worked so hard to achieve I simply don't relax, or let many people into the room during a meltdown when all I need is a hug. I am so afraid I will awake and realize I said something wrong, did something harsh, or hurt those I love and alienated them. It has happened before; maybe that is why the feeling comes back from time to time. I am so afraid that I will those who think I am strong will realize I am nothing more than a scared child, trying to do the best she can. I am so afraid my shimmer will wear off, and I will be replaced. I am so afraid to be left again, and learn how to pick up the pieces once again.

They say the people we think of as being the strongest are often the people that most often need a hug. This would be very true of me, and of who I am. At the end of the day, it becomes exhausting to be strong. It becomes a moment of dread to wake up and try things again during a new day. I rely upon those around me to lift me when I am feeling this way, I rely upon my faith to encourage me in other ways. Sometimes the strongest of people are often those that break the quickest - we just don't allow others to see the glue holding us together. Along with that strength comes the ability to know how to hide or dispose of our super glue that is holding us together.

But tonight I feel like I have dropped the super glue, and it is too far out of reach to pick it up.

When things are this busy in my life, I need to occasionally step back, look and analyze what I have to be thankful for. It is never about eliminating things from my life, but always figuring out how to organize my time better. There are so many things I am praying about that I am just needing this time to determine what priority I should have me at. I spend so much of my day servicing someone else, maybe I need to just take a holiday for me- a day to do what I need to do, catch up on what needs catching up. Tomorrow will be a new day, and tomorrow I will probably not feel like this. Tomorrow I will probably read this post and wonder what the heck I was even upset about. But tonight is where I am, and what I should focus on.

Mina Louise Loos Blanchfield

My grandmother is one of my favorite people. She had such strength in the midst of chaos. She demonstrated love when surrounded in a world of hurt. She was silly, goofy, faithful, and wonderful.


Last night I had a dream about my grandmother. In this dream, I was in her care facility, able to see her again, to smell her scent and touch her skin. For a brief moment, I had her here in my world, able to talk to her and feel her spirit once again. My grandmother, or Ladybug as I nicknamed her one day as a teenager, has been gone for 12 years. And for those 12 years I have never thought an ounce of regret for the times I spent with her before she passed.


Ladybug was born September 7, 1916. Her parents had immigrated from Germany before she was born, and settled in Windsor, Colorado. She was the oldest child in a family of several girls and one boy. Her life was not easy, not blessed, and not charmed. She had a father who was difficult at best, and did not share his love with her very often. Her brother died while in her care. She had a baby out of wedlock who died when she was an older teen. She later met and married my grandfather, Robert, in Los Angeles. Together they raised a family in Grand Junction, Colorado. She is a mother to 5 daughters - Eugenia, Roberta "Bobbie", Mary, Ruby, and Mina Lorraine. She is the grandmother to 9 grandchildren - Michael, Rob, Ruthe, Richie, Dawn Michelle, Robby, Bobby, Ray, and Michelle. She is the great-grandmother to 6 great-grandchildren and growing.


Growing up, we lived close to Ladybug off and on. I remember going to her house when my grandfather was still alive. I would walk into her house, hear sounds of "...and these are the days of our lives..." as she had a soap opera on television. My mother, walking out the door, would tell her "Please do not let Ruthie have any cookies, Mom," to which my grandmother in her infinite grandmotherly wisdom would say "Okay, Ruby." She would wait for the door to close, my mother's car to be out of her driveway, then say "Okay, she is gone...you know where they are!" My memories of my grandparents together, the places we would go, their car, the smells of their house, my grandfather becoming ill and eventually dying are still so close to my heart, but rarely a place I allow my adult mind to visit. I miss them both too greatly.


So many things changed around the time my grandfather died. My father became ill, required surgery for a rare but treatable tumor. He decided to leave the church he was pastoring. We moved from a parsonage to the only apartment we ever lived in growing up. My mother became pregnant, and later miscarried the baby. My grandfather had his leg amputated, and eventually passed away. My grandmother stayed with us for a while before we moved away to Kansas. My grandmother eventually moved to Houston to live with my mom's eldest sister, Eugenia. She had her own home for a while, just around the corner from my aunt's house. But eventually she needed to someone to be with her at the house, and not live alone. She would come to visit, tell me her silly Grandma stories I loved so much, and try to help my mother but really just annoy my mom more than anything. Annoy is not the right term, but in my grandmother trying to wash dishes, or do laundry, my mother had quite different ideas of what clean was. So funny, because now the tables have turned, and I sometimes suffer this same problem.


Ladybug suffered several strokes, medical issues that led her to live in the same town as we were in when I was going into the 7th grade. Due to not having enough room, my mother had to make the decision to create my grandmother's new home in a care facility. After this, my grandmother entered into different stages of who she was. At times she was funny, and sweet. Other times she was quiet, and sullen. She suffered more medical issues, and possibly the onset of Alzheimer's. Through it all though, she would always tell me she loved me.


My daughter is the only great grandchild my Ladybug met. The first time I watched my grandmother hold my daughter, I was awestruck at how young she looked again. She was 81 when Emi was born - her face and hands showed the signs of those years. Her hair was long since grey and cut short for easy maintenance. Yet, she looked so young in that very moment. She held her, cooed to her. She asked me when Emi was almost a month old if she was blowing "spit bubbles" yet. When I told her yes, she smiled, and told me "I love that when babies do that." She was mesmerized by her, and I was captivated by having 4 generations within the same room. Emi was 7 months old when Ladybug died. She will never know her scent. She will never really know her voice, the feel of her touch, the way she shuffled, or stood. She will never hear her sing a hymn, or any of her Grandma stories. This is the saddest fact of life - that those I love now do not get to experience the true essence of every moment I was able to spend with those from my past who are just as much a part of me.


My dream last night allowed me to wander into that place in my heart - the place I so lovingly remember, but never allow myself to visit often. I was able to see Ladybug smiling, walking, talking. I was able to have her here for a brief moment, then awake and realize she is still watching over me, seeing who I am as a person, daughter, mother, friend, and sister. I would hope the actions I take on a daily basis are making her smile, because her smile was beautiful.

Accountability

Accountability...what a word. This word can make or break friendships, relationships, working environment, and define where you may decide to spend your money through a retailer, service provider, or food establishment.

I am a person who is usually on time for everything. I hate being late to work, and typically arrive at least 15 minutes in advance. When going to the airport I like to get there so far in advance I may as well book an earlier flight. I attempt to always make good on calling people back, showing up when expected, and doing what I say I will do. I find that this is not only respectful of others, but also a great respect to myself, and to who I am.

I have an extremely hard time with others who are not accountable. Those that are consistently late, consistently saying they will do things and don't, or consistently not living up to the action they proclaim with their words. It is easier to say you may not be able to do something rather than over extend and fail to do what you said you would do. If someone tells me they are calling, I believe them. If someone says they are going to show up, I take them at their word.

I have not always been this way. There was a time I almost lost a job in college due to tardiness. The tardiness was due in part to going to school a good 15 miles from where I worked, and there not being any more than a one lane road for a majority of my travels, poor time management, and lack of confidence to request a schedule 30 minutes later than what I was being given. It was through this experience that I have learned the value of being on time, respect, and appreciation for what I have.

I can't...I'm Mormon

In a world full of Christians, it always catches me off-guard when some people play the "My church is better than your church" game. Really? Isn't it taught in our churches that we are to love, respect, and treat each other as we would want to be treated ourselves? I know I do not want to be judged solely by the method I decide to celebrate my faith. Why would I do this to another person? If we are all one within the eyes of Christ, where is there room for such hypocrisy we are so willing to offer.

I grew up the oldest child of 2 ordained ministers, or preachers. This would make me a preacher's kid - PK. We are often known as hell-raisers, rebel rousers, or troublemakers. My parents met in Bible College - L.I.F.E. Bible College to be exact, in Los Angeles. They dated for 4 years and waited mere days after graduation to get married.

At the time that I was born, my parents were living in Cortez, Colorado, had started a brand-new Foursquare Gospel church, and were in the process of having a building built for church gatherers. My first memories are when I had just learned to walk, and I was running down a hallway to the basement of the building. It is more like a dream than memory - something that I did not realize as a memory until I visited the church building years later.

As the daughter of preachers, we moved several times growing up. I have lived in Cortez and Greeley, Colorado; Wichita, Kansas; Pampa, Texas; Scottsdale, Arizona; and Payson, Arizona. I don't have an impressive list of places I have lived similar to my military brat friends...no, just a random ensemble of mid-west and southwest states. I have been lucky enough to still have memories of each place I have lived (this is what keeps me from wanting to move to Texas again). Each time we moved, my dad would become the pastor of a local Foursquare church. This particular denomination places their ministers into churches rather than the congregation having a vote as to who they get like other Pentecostal church denominations.

Growing up, my mother ALWAYS had church music of some sort filtering through the air; either through a radio, 8-track (yes, we had an 8-track player until I graduated high school), record, or tape. We had nightly family devotions, and prayed as a family before every meal and bedtime. We went to church every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday evening. And every summer, we could almost guarantee my mother would take us to ANY vacation bible school available at most ANY local church.

I have never viewed my church, whether it is the church my parents raised me in, or the church I attend now, as the end all-be all. I know, based on the church I go to now, this is not something that is widely accepted. I choose to go to my church based on principles taught, experiences felt, and lessons learned. I do not look down at others who do not attend my church. I have no issues attending another church's services with friends or family. I have enjoyed Easter Sunday Catholic mass. I decided long ago that regardless of my convictions, I am willing to listen to someone else's point of view. As long as my point is respected, I am willing to talk to anyone about religion.

I often think it is funny people take a step back from me when I talk about my faith, or the church I go to. I wonder if I am really NOT living the life I should, and they are surprised someone so devilish believes in angels. Or, because I am upfront about my faith it makes them uncomfortable. Truth is, I have found the greatest freedom in being able to celebrate, understand, and rely upon my faith. I have fears, moments of weakness, and times of great tribulation just like anyone else. I am going to a church predominately attended by a married couple with their 6.5 children (bad joke, I know). I have felt awkward sitting there, divorced, with only 2 children (yes, at this time 2 children is enough). But I know that regardless of what others may see on my outside appearance, the Lord is more concerned with my inward desires, needs, and dedications. It is my faith that has made me who I am. It is my faith that allows me to see the world as I do. And it is my faith that has given me so much grace that I can offer love, friendship, and forgiveness to others.

35 Before 35

A movie called The Bucketlist came out a few years ago, where men had a wishlist for things they wanted to accomplish before passing on from this earth. I found it ironic that after the movie was released, the word "bucketlist" became the "it" word. I found this ironic because I have had my own list for nearly 10 years...you would think that after 10 years I would have accomplished more than I have...the purpose was not to complete everything as quickly as possible. It was to enjoy the journey while marking items off my list.

My list is called 35 before 35. I wrote it one day when I was feeling very discouraged, and suffering daily panic attacks. I needed a release. I needed a way to discover myself in new ways...I needed a change before reaching the age of 35. At the time I was 28...I am now 7 months from being 35. My list contains difficult tasks, and fun options to keep me motivated. From this list I draw the courage to think outside my own box and explore something less known, less configured, less experienced.

Some items, I realize, may not be completed before my "deadline" of March 18, 2011. I am okay with that. Some items were great to experience, and others are only on the list to ensure I was able to move on from a difficult situation. And for those items not completed on my list by the deadline, I will roll over into a new list for another segment of time...always trying to better myself, enjoy myself, and look back to be thankful of what I have achieved.

35 Before 35

1. Take canal ride in Venice, Italy

• Date:
• Age/Details:

2. See New York City

• Date: 09/11/2010
• Age/Details: 34, with Glenn Laudenslager. Took sightseeing tour to see Statue of Liberty, saw WTC ground zero, Times Square, Broadway, Grand Central Station
• Updated after original post

3. Go to art exhibit

• Date: 9/2005
• Age/Details: 29, with Tony K in downtown Phoenix

4. Walk in heels

• Date: 6/2004
• Age/Details: 28

5. See Aerosmith live

• Date: 11/13/2006
• Age/Details: 30, with John at Cricket Pavilion, 4th row

6. Own a car

• Date: 12/27/2004
• Age: 28, bought a 2001 Daewoo Lanos

7. Own a house

• Date:
• Age/Details:

8. Pay of debt

• Date:
• Age/Details:

9. Learn to surf

• Date:
• Age/Details:

10. Go to Disneyland with kids

• Date:
• Age/Details:

11. Finish school; earn degree

• Date:
• Age/Details:

12. See Marilyn Monroe sites in Los Angeles

• Date:
• Age/Details:

13. Visit Ireland / Germany

• Date:
• Age/Details:

14. Hike Camelback Mountain

• Date: 11/2008
• Age/Details: 32, with John and Tyler

15. Visit a spa for facial and massage

• Date: 5/2006
• Age/Details: 30, Sanctuary Spa, Scottsdale, AZ

16. Go to MLB game at BOB (now Chase Field)

• Date: 6/2006
• Age/Details: 30, with John and kids to watch interleague Angels v. D-Backs game - Angels won

17. Test drive Nissan 350Z

• Date:  12/2/2010
• Age/Details:  34, with Marsha Lawless (owner of the car)

18. Have writing piece published

• Date:
• Age/Details:

19. Ride on motorcycle (Harley Davidson or Indian)

• Date: 6/2007
• Age/Details: 31, with Bill on his Harley

20. Find 3 old friends

• Michelle Valasek, 6/2004, age 28
• Laurie Laing-Baumgartner, 8/2006, age 30
• Sierra Weaver, 9/200, age 32

21. Go to class reunion

• Date: 6/2004
• Age/Details: 28, Payson, AZ

22. Take a road trip with friends

• Date: 5/2007
• Age/Details: 31, trip with Johanna and Liatt for work/fun to Orlando, FL

23. Purchase item on Rodeo Dive, Beverly Hills

• Date:
• Age/Details:

24. Finish genealogy

• Date:
• Age/Details:

25. Plant garden

• Date: 11/2008
• Age/Details: 32, with Emberleigh

26. Take computer class

• Date: 5/2010
• Age/Details: 34

27. Find new winter jacket

• Date: 12/2004
• Age/Details: 28, Christmas present from Johanna

28. Write 3 friends of their importance and friendship

• Stephanie Peterson (letter), 7/2004, 28
• Brock Robertson (email), 7/2006, 30
• ?

29. Build a sandcastle

• Date:
• Age/Details:

30. Have eye surgery or microdermabrasion

• Date:
• Age/Details:

31. Get tattoo or something pierced

• Date:
• Age/Details:

32. Visit grandparents graves

• Date:
• Age/Details:

33. Visit exotic island

• Date:
• Age/Details:

34. Go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans

• Date:
• Age/Details:

35. Finalize divorce before 30

• Date: 6/7/2007
• Age/Details: 31, Mesa AZ

Prayer of Jabez

I found a book one time at a store that intrigued me based on the cover. The script was in beautiful cursive; hard back cover with beautiful shades of purple and gold for decoration. I bought the book for myself, and another for my best friend. It became a birthday present for her one year, and a new addition to my bookshelf.

Years later, and in a moment where I needed something...anything...to read, I picked up the book and began to read. It is a short book, not very long in text or size. Words on the page were of typical size print. But the meaning behind the words were powerful...

I have often found myself struggling between relying upon myself solely, or requesting and inviting my spiritual guide and maker into my life, help me with decisions, and make me into the woman I was intended to be. This is a human aspect of the perfect plan formed long before I was born...and because there is a human aspect there is always room for error.

In the quiet times when I have prayed, asked the Lord for guidance, I have found the greatest comfort. It is the prayers I remember as if I said them yesterday that are the most powerful and unrelenting in a story of a girl named Ruthe. The prayers I said as a 13 and 14 year old, fearful of losing her arm due to an aggressive and rare-for-my-age tumor still dance within my heart when I think of how faithful He is, and how weak I am in so many ways. Years later I am still walking around, using my arm, and ever thankful for what I can do with this limb.

My prayers as an adult struggling with daily panic attacks, requesting to have a good day at work, to allow health issues I was facing to not worsen until my insurance was available are ever present. In the suffering of panic attacks, I was given answers to everything in my early Tuesday morning prayer that were beyond my control, beyond my means, and beyond anything I could have ever dreamed for.

Other prayers while seeking a place to live, being as specific as I could be without feeling over-indulgent in my requests were fulfilled, and the grace of the Lord was in my favor in a situation that was, again, beyond my control. Prayers for guidance while in the middle of an accident driving on the highway, or to give courage and wisdom to bite my tongue as I walked into an office I loathed daily.

I remember one day in particular in February of this year. I was driving to work, surrounded by other cars on the freeway, feeling very humbled at the amazing grace He has given me in my life. In a time when others were losing their jobs, losing their homes, or fearing of losing either one, I was still employed. True, I did not enjoy my job - but He had me there for a reason. I began to pray for the owner of my company to make the right decisions for her employees and company at large, praying for my boss to have patience and understanding with his team, and the ability to work with people who had not only shown me so much grief at work, but offered so much grief in my personal life. It was then when I put my own fears aside I was able to let go of my anger, my feelings of worthlessness, and my feelings of self-pity. It is hard to feel those things when requesting help and support for others. It doesn't work that way...

My prayers are my secret (and sometimes not so secret) journeys to discovery. They are my solace, and my guidance. And this book, of all the random books I allowed to rest on a shelf never to pick up, contained a discussion on this very topic.

Jabez, a man in the Bible, is not mentioned but for a few lines. He is not someone we may have read about as a child in Sunday School, or have images of in a christian book store. He is not a Moses, Abraham, John the Baptist, or any icon for a certain religious denomination. Yet, this man's prayer is a nice reminder to me of how to be humble, meek, and kind to myself, and to others. It is a simple passage, with dynamic purpose.

After reading the book, I decided I needed to remind myself of how important my requests can be to the Lord. I needed to have the words near me to remind myself I am in deed worthy of all blessings. I have looked at this prayer every work day for nearly 3 years. And the message is always the same...yet depending upon the day viewed in a different light.

"Oh that you would bless me indeed
and enlarge my territory;
that Your hand would be with me
and that You would keep me from evil
that I may not cause pain."

I Chronicles 4:10 NKJV

when do i miss you?

when do i miss you?
how can i count the ways

i miss you in the morning

when I awake without you near

i miss you as i go about my day

wondering if you miss me as well

and if you are doing okay

i miss you walking through my front door

after the end of a long work day

and i miss you in the night

as i drift to sleep without your body next to mine

bittersweet sadness introduces itself

with every smile that may cross my face and

sink into my heart

at the odd realization you are not there to witness

even an ounce of joy since you are not near

yet the sound of your voice on

the other end of the phone is music to my ears

rejuvenating my soul

as i imagine your scent, your eyes, your smile, your face gazing back at mine

the thought of your lips upon mine once again

your arms encircling me again with your embrace

or your hand wrapped, intertwined within mine

keep my hopes eternal until

we can be together again

when do i miss you?

every moment of my waking day

with every action, every movement i may make

every thought, every wish

every prayer, and every dream

~RAL

Strong women

I am so blessed to know strong women of all ages. Women who have survived much, been through much, and have the ability to remember the past in fondness and not bitterness.

I spent some time with Great Grandma yesterday. A rare treat for us since she moved back to Washington. She told me stories of her parents immigration from Russia to America with their parents, stories of her marriage to Grandpa Bill, and how she thinks her current age of 87 does not scare her, but turning 90 is a different story. Up until 10 years ago she was running in marathons. She raised her family with an iron fist, and the heart of a champion.

We are very blessed to have Great Grandma. She is the glue that holds so much together. Her quiet yet tenacious style is to be admired. She was married to Grandpa for over 50 years, raised 4 kids, knows more about gardening than anyone else I know. She holds so many memories that, if given the time, would take years to tell. She has been able to travel the world, spent time exploring the planet. Her luck is amazing! She once told me a story of going to a World Series game at Yankees Stadium with Grandpa Bill - they were in the city on business when she happened into an elevator where 2 business men were informed they would need to return from their business trip. In the elevator she overheard them talking about having tickets to the game that night, and their plan to sell them. Being Grandma, she asked how much they wanted for the tickets...the meager price paid would be unheard of today, and the experience of seeing a World Series game was one that left a deep impression on a woman who has so many other experiences. She makes her own jewelry, knows everyone's birthday, and loves beyond any boundaries.

My own daughter is growing into a strong woman. I wish I could be accredited with her wisdom and grace, but the truth is she was born with this. As an infant she looked so much wiser than her age. Her compassion toward others is remarkable, her ability to forgive teaches me to forgive. She expresses herself in a way that I often find incredible given her young age. She loves her family more than anything, and never forgets a friend regardless of distance or time last seen. Her heart is that of a quiet warrior. Yes, she is still a child, and bickers with her brother, whines about cleaning her room, and doesn't like to hear an answer of no, but it is how she carries herself that is truly that of a strong woman.

In a world where it is sometimes difficult to be a woman, I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by women of high character. On average, we make less than men, but live longer lives. We handle work, family, and everything else in between. We juggle our emotions against what the world thinks we should do. We love beyond reason sometimes to our detriment. We fight within our gender for rights, needs, and desires. We have PMS, can be moody beyond all reason, and cry at the first sight of a Hallmark commercial. We can be strong, resilient, and pick up the pieces where they may fall. We are lucky enough to become pregnant, carry a living being within our bodies, then raise that living being to be a caring individual. Yes, I will admit, I want a man to help me, yearn for a partner in my life, and desire to have a lifetime of joy with a man. But this also makes me strong for admitting my desires.

I did not grow up with a sister, but am fortunate to have sisters-in-law that demonstrate strength in monumental ways. I have a mother who could carry a power tool at the same time as sewing clothes. I have a mother-in-law who has had to overcome difficulties and is able to chuckle at previous moments. My best friend demonstrates strength under extreme difficulties. My female friends create a safe haven for my own strengths to be utilized, and their quiet yet patient tendencies to shine under adversity. I am surrounded by strong women with whom I learn to be strong. I am surrounded by shining stars, and happen to be raising another strong woman in her own right. And hopefully the circle will be complete some time in the distant future that she will raise her own daughter to be strong, and carry on this tradition.

Finding trust in an distrusting world

Finding trust in an distrusting world...how unimaginable is it for us to relinquish all power to another person based on faith.

Trust is the reliance upon something or someone else. The sheer essence of believing that thing or person will have enough in their own character or ability to excel. It is a combination of faith and action. We may find trust in our faith, in our parents, family, friends. We may find trust in the knowledge or previous experiences of others. But why do we find this trust? What is it that as a human being I desire trust, need trust, rely upon trust?

I believe we are all children, regardless of our height, in the eyes of someone. We are always children to our parents, and regardless of our ages our parents always worry and love us the same as when we were an infant, a child, a teen. Circumstances for worry may change, but it is always there. We are all children in the eyes of our Heavenly Father.

I am a trusting person in general, but often times it is a reward or bi-product of circumstance. I am willing to trust someone else based on actions I have witnessed. I trust in my faith based on miracles from previous times described in the Bible, and the miracles I have witnessed within my own life. It is not always easy to trust someone else. The world is full of hatred, and sometimes it may feel easier to succumb to distrust over trust. I think I can trust with apprehension first, until there is a clear vision or reaction to another person's actions.

Growing up, I trusted my parents, as any child does. I looked at my father as the most wise man, my mother as the strongest woman alive. They demonstrated constant care of my needs, and the needs of my brothers. Growing into my teen years, I began to not trust them quite as much. My father was always there, offering support to a girl who was self-conscious, awkward, and clumsy. He would listen to my fears, my thoughts, my ideas, my complaints. Leaving for college, and feeling displaced in the world, he was there to always lift me up. It was so hard being separated from him I remember not being able to even carry a conversation with him over the phone due to feeling he would disappear after we hung up the phone. My mother and I had a different relationship. Our relationship was always strained in some way. I was a girl, the only girl, and the oldest. She trusted me to make the best decisions, to be the prominent example to my younger brothers, in school, friends, clothing, boys, work, etc. I unfortunately let her down time after time. Her ultimate display for lack of trust came when she read my journal when I was 17 - my private thoughts, my private dreams, my inner circle to who I was. It took me quite a while to trust in my ability to pen my thoughts to paper without fear of her reading them. But, once I left home I realized it was not lack of trust in me. It was ultimate love, and wanting the best for me. When you can look at everything your parents told you as a kid, and realize they were actually right - you tend to have a different view on the situation in hind sight.

I have other family that provides that comfort of trust. My family, next to faith, is the highest importance to me. And while my family is a mixture of individuals bonded by blood, marriage, friendship, they are all incredible people I am blessed to have in my life. To allow someone to care for my children, to take care of their needs in my absence, and make decisions that could alter how my children view that moment, or the rest of their lives, is powerful in action and testament.

I have trusted in my faith for as long as I remember. Whenever I am afraid, I know I can pray for comfort. Whenever I feel the world is a battle front, I pray for peace. If I feel lost, I know I can pray for direction. I have prayed so many prays, and had so many prayers answered. They may not have always been answered as I wanted them to be, but they were always answered. Everything from feeling scared as a kid when I was locked out of the house, to my most recent prayers...I feel fortunate to always have this relationship of trust in my life. It is where I find the most trust, and where I feel the most comfort. It is my refuge from the storms that surround me in life.

Recently, my trust has been very guarded. I have felt there are limited individuals I can truly call upon in the middle of the night should I stumble and need help. That is an awful, gut-wrenching feeling to allow someone into your chaos, your irrational thoughts, or actions. I have had to rely upon trust to help me survive distance in geography or time. My trust does not waiver, nor does it change. Levels of trust can increase or decrease, but it is on both parties to maintain that trust. Finding trust in an distrusting world is more than good actions being rewarded; it is also in the care and thought put into your actions. It is more than belief someone will be there; it is also in the level of being there that matters. Just as an infant trusts in their parents, we should never forget that essence of trust beyond reason, and demonstrate our own trust with others in our actions, thoughts, deeds, care, and love.

I'm free to be what I want

"I know where I'm going and I know the truth, and I don't have to be what you want me to be. I'm free to be what I want."
Muhammad Ali

I have often wondered if offered the chance to see how everything in life will play out, would I take it. Would I want to know all the happiness, joy, pain, suffering, and struggles I must endure before my time here is through, what would I do? Would I be able to avoid danger or pain that awaits me? And in avoidance, would I miss out on some type of happiness or joy? Would this change my freedom of choice? Would this lead me to greater quality of life, or squander my thought process.

At this very moment, I have ultimate freedom of choice. There is no predetermined or predestined path before me. I can choose to turn left or right when coming to that great big fork in the road...I can follow the herd or forge my own path. There is no right or wrong, good or bad, only a bright horizon in front. Would knowing the future lead me to that loss of choice?

At any one period of time within our lives we may wish to know what will happen next. It is the unknown of what may happen that can cause a person to feel doubtful about the future. The past is behind us, and while we may quietly visit in dreams, in memories, in recollections, we can never erase events. We can only move forward, press on, and seek out the best possible solutions for problems we may be having, seek out the best possible joy to fill our lives with. We all have the power of truth within us to determine where we are going. We all have the power of self to make our own destiny regardless of our beginnings, regardless of our pasts, and regardless of what others may inform us to be our paths. It is our greatest responsibility to ourselves to not relive our past, and not allow our past to interfere with our present or future.

At times I have to remind myself of this. I cannot create a new situation based on a previous experience. Yes, I have had many wonderful experiences in my life. But each new day brings a rebirth of self to experience another moment unlike yesterday. Yes, I have had some difficult moments in my past. But I cannot allow my heart to believe because it has been hurt before that it cannot learn to love again, to live again. If I put all the pain of previous relationships onto a new person, I am not allowing that person to be free to choose their path. Our expectations of what someone may do based on realizations others have caused is not only dangerous to the heart, but damaging to our souls.

In telling someone else their path, you not only limit their possibilities, but you limit yours. In assuming which direction someone else should take, you only create tension and loss for yourself. In allowing someone the freedom to be who they are, to live and make decisions on their own, you allow them the freedoms to be genuine in their actions.

Why bother mentioning all of this? What is the point? I have always been very good at accepting others at whatever stage they are in within the journey of life. I have, in fact, been too open for acceptance and it has led to an occasional heartbreak or two. I don't bother myself too greatly with where someone has been in the past only because it is the past. I would not want to be judged for my past. Sure, a person may have quirks, may eat with their mouth open, not have the greatest of fashion sense, but don't we all have quirks? Who am I to judge someone, try to make them change, or force my opinion on them to the point they lose their identity. Recently, this has been a theme within my personal life.

When someone tells you they no longer wish to be with you, how can you force them to think otherwise? They have made up their minds. Yes, it hurts at the time. But so does growth. It does not change the level of commitment you may have once felt, but it does change from a present-tense action to a past-tense thought. And as time passes, so do the feelings. Where once you thought you would cry yourself to sleep every night for the rest of your natural like (an exaggeration, I know), you realize you can smile again one day. The next you may even be able to laugh. Eventually the old wounds of someone else create a moment within the school of life, and you pick yourself up and learn to walk again.

When someone tells you on a first date they would like to only be with someone of their faith and country of origin, who am I to change their mind. I have my own laundry list of what I am looking for, or at least want to have in a person I am dating. I would rather find that information out up from than to figure it out on my own once I have feelings for someone.

I have had to respect another person's decision regarding their fears that may be different from my own. I have had forget my own needs, desires, wants, wishes, etc., and allow a process to occur naturally for them. If forced, the situation may end up in a different direction than either one of us will be pleased with. I am not turning a blind eye to my needs, but I am allowing someone to be themselves, and this is more important. If I wish to be free to explore who I am as a person, I must also allow others the freedom for their own exploration.

Change, Change, Change

In the past 6 months, I have endured many changes.

I was involved in a car accident, started a new job, moved to a new place to live, experienced the breakup with my ex-boyfriend, got a new dog, got a new car, started a hopeful beginning to a new relationship, and a few other highlights along the way.

I have not always greeted so much change in the span of so little time. The only time I have ever welcomed so much change was when I knew I was welcoming a new little person into my life as my child. I cannot think of a time where I gladly threw out the red carpet for something called change easily.

The past 6 months, all the change I have been through, has taught me one thing - change is not always to be feared. If you had asked me 6 months ago how I would feel about everything that has happened now, you would have seen me melt into a panic attack. I would have gladly welcomed the new job. That would have gone without hesitation as a good thing. But moving - uh oh! I hate moving. Loss of a relationship - um, you mean I am going to be alone? A new car? How am I going to pay for that one? I am still working on the idea of having a new car with the payments needed.

Of all the changes I have endured the past 6 months, I can honestly say I am very happy with the results. The changes were not always my decision, but through it all I feel so much peace, comfort, and love in my life.

• While the car accident caused me severe back pain, but taught me an important lesson that I am always protected from harm.
• I am happy to have a new job where I am learning to do something different. I was looking and hoping for a new job, but I am enjoying the company I work for.
• In terms of a new place to live - this was not the choice I wanted to make. I feel lucky to have found a place in a quiet neighborhood, a roof over my head.
• The breakup with the boyfriend - I realized I may have been holding onto something that was over longer ago than I care to admit. I learned much from this man, and can say he gave me courage in areas he may not even realize. This courage has allowed me to move on, to see my value in the world, and to find my happiness within myself that can be shared to the world.
• My new dog, Wendy, reminds me everyday to find pleasure in the smallest of items, to love those who take care of me, and never be afraid to show them my love.
• The new car will allow me to get where I need to go. It is never easy to swallow a car payment, but the car will help my children go to school, get me to work, and keep me safely on the road
• Within the new dating experience, I am so excited to see where this will lead. I am with this incredible person who makes me smile just when hearing his name. He is caring, sensitive, and provides so much joy in my life.
• I have realized how important my friends are to me, and the fact that I can lean on people when I am struggling. This is not new territory, but definitely more welcomed than ever before.

Now that I am not buried under water, I am doing fine!

Stress...There are few things that can offer me greater stress than those previously mentioned for car issues.

Yesterday I was so filled with self-doubt it was crippling for a moment. I was trying to ensure I had everything ready for the kids to start a new year of school. I was trying to ensure they both were up-to-date on their immunization shots. I needed to go grocery shopping, the bank, the post office. I needed to run into Target and Wal-Mart. I needed to get an appointment for the eye doctor for later in the afternoon yesterday. Oh, yeah, and I was also stressing about the car. I ended up in a panic attack, so fearful to move, to do anything. My breath was labored, I was in a ball on the floor crying and trying to breathe all at the same time. And for what? Why would I allow myself to even go down this path? Self-doubt.

I have spent most of my adult life being the strong person everyone can rely upon. In most situations I have been called to be the glue, regardless if it was my turn to be strong. I am raising two kids on my own, figuring out work, school, bills, needs all on my own. I have a strong support system within my family, extended family, and friends. But there are times I don't want to be strong anymore. There are times when it is nice for someone else to take care of me, to embrace me and tell me I will be okay. I am not asking for someone to solve my problems - no, that would be the easy way out. No, I am just asking for a momentary break from the strength I must always endure.

I didn't set out to be the strong one. I am fortunate to have found strength within my faith. Without this, I may not have made it out of my rough situations in the past as well as I have. I didn't want to grow up to be in the place I am right now, but where I am is actually pretty good. I have wonderful people that surround me, I wake up each morning with the desire to tackle and welcome anything that comes my way.

The hardest moment within my meltdown is surrendering to help from someone. I am not good at letting others know I am hurting. As the years go by I have learned to be better at this concept. Sometimes it is easier to suffer in silence, than hear the deafening advise from everyone about what you should do - or the more offensive tragedy of someone trying to solve the problem for you. I don't want someone to solve my problems for me. How am I going to learn if that happens? Mostly, I just need someone to listen, to hold my hand, and to tell me I will survive this as well as I have survived everything else. And once I am feeling well, I don't want them to see my problems the minute they see me - like some type of scarlet letter upon my chest visible for the rest of the world to see.

My moments are far and few between, thankfully. It doesn't too frequently where I am struggling, or drowning in self-doubt. Now that I am not buried under the water I am doing fine. And the next time I feel this creep up, I will know how to handle it better...hopefully.

1 in 6,697,254,041

I am human, like anyone else on this planet. According to the world population count in 2008, I am 1 in 6,697,254,041 people. Not really that special...especially with a number like that. I have moments of happiness, moments of sadness. I have family that I love, and friends who are like my family. I have been lucky enough to be born into a country where I have certain freedoms given to me by birth thanks in part to those who fought before I was born. I have the freedom to speak freely, walk freely, and decide what religion I chose to worship. I try to be kind to those I meet, and serve others when given the opportunity.

Most of the time I live in a world of satisfaction. I am not necessarily where I would like to be at my age, but I don't really believe anyone is where they would like to be. It is what makes us human, and what encourages us to go through each day to make it to the next. While I am not sure of my ultimate purpose here on this planet, I am sure I was meant to do wonderful things, and am loved by my family, by my Lord.

But catch me in a moment of stress, and all rationale is thrown out the window. My moments of stress may not be the same as it is for others. My stress includes car and back issues. Ironically, the only reason I have back issues is due to a car. Funny how life works out like that.

My back issues started when I was 19 years old when I was involved in a car accident. Late night, streets dark, and while I still swear up and down that the person who hit me did not have their lights on, and was driving over the speed limit, I am sure they would still say I was not paying attention. None the less, the impact of being rear ended was so great my car was smashed in so much the frame was ruined. My car seat was forever tilted due to the force I was using after being hit to maintain control on the road. My back and neck hurt immediately. And, even after physical therapy I still will have a wonderful burning sensation in my shoulder blades. Fast forward 13 or 14 years, pregnancies, stresses, and another car accident that was significantly less of an impact but damaging just the same, there are days I really have a hard time just sitting at my desk on the computer.

My car issues can not be summed up in one paragraph. And while I have been fairly lucky with the current vehicle I drive, it is still frustrating to me when things are not going well. Most of the issues with the car have been easy to fix, or regular maintenance needs. I have been without a car while mine is being fixed, but it is how I deal with that time that is irrational. I immediately think of things I need to do not just 5 minutes from now, but 5 days from now. I think of all places I needed to go, like the grocery store, wanted to go, just needed to do. It has left me with an anxiety attacks. Full fledged, unable to breathe, unable to cope attacks. It is a car! It is really only filled with metal, plastic, rubber...how could I let an object control my life. But, it isn't an object. It is more what that object represents that leaves me feeling weary. That object can get me from one place to another. That object allows me the freedom to go where I want, when I want.

I have been lucky enough to own cars, and been lucky to not own cars. I didn't drive in high school, and got my drivers license one week before leaving for college. I bought a used car from this really nice old couple. It had low miles, tinted windows, AC, leather seats...too bad I am describing a 1981 Chevy Citation. On the drive from Payson to Tempe - a short 85 miles, the head gasket blew. And this is where my fear of breaking down started. Since this initial stroke of good car health, I have driven many different vehicles. Each one eventually breaks, and leaves me feeling helpless, hopeless, and frustrated. Not unlike the other 6,697,254,040 other people on this planet who experience their own stress levels on different topics or subjects. No, I am not unique in this. I am not special, or different, or raging against the machine. I am human. A human who freaks out when her car is not working.

Clumsy girl

I am one of the most clumsy people you will ever meet. I have rolled down mountains (yes, a literal mountain, not the proverbial figure of speech mountain). I have fallen down stairs at work while co-workers listened to the fall. My latest spill involved wind, sand, the beach, and a nasty little scrape to my arm. I can laugh off these spills, however. I have learned how to fall so that when I do fall, I am not seriously injured. Oddly enough, I am better walking in heels without tripping, falling, slipping, than I am wearing flat shoes. I can run in heels without falling, but put me in a pair of flip-flops, tennis shoes, bare feet, and all of a sudden I am a tripping fool.

To those around me who witness my falls, rolls, spills, slips, and tumbles I am sure I amuse them. I would laugh at them for falling, given the right situation. I am not an evil person, but that is entertainment you can't buy. I wouldn't laugh at a stranger falling; that would require action to ensure they are okay. I have not only learned how to fall, but I have also learned how to laugh it off. This is part of who I am as a person. I either have to learn to love myself in spite of my flaws, or forever hide under a rock and never leave my house. Even then, I am sure, I would figure out a way to still make the occasional fall from grace with no one looking on. I have learned to accept this as much as I have learned to accept I am very emotional, old fashioned, romantic, stubborn, silly, "dorky" person.

My latest spill was so incredibly embarrassing. Just because I can laugh off my my falls does not mean I am not embarrassed my feet decide to not play nice. I literally wanted to shrink into the size of a grain of sand what was now resting somewhere on my body. I was in La Jolla, California, walking down the steps to the beach. It was a beautiful overcast day. A beautiful 70 degrees outside. Not the typical day I would want to spend at the beach; but for exploring and seeing something new it was highly enjoyable. The wind was breezy with a bit of chill from the sea air. Birds were chirping in the background, and sounds of children squealing in delight echoed through my ears and line of vision. I was with someone I very much did not want to embarrass myself in front of. Perfect scenario to trip, again...

We decided to get closer to the water. I live in Arizona. Arizona is a land locked state. Not only is it a land locked state, but it is also a desert for the most part. The only times I am around water if near home is the man-made lakes...not the same as the ocean. To get to the water we had to walk down stairs. The stairs were not steep, but maybe a bit narrow for my large feet. Sand was covering the slippery steps - my arch nemesis when walking down stairs in flip-flops. The sea breeze blowing through my hair - another arch nemesis with my choice to wear a dress that day. As I was walking down the stairs I decided to take off the flip-flops en route. Okay, not the smartest of ideas. My friend told me to be careful...this warning is now duly noted but at the time I thought I would be okay. I was doing okay for the most part...I held the rail as I took my right shoe off without issue. I took off the left shoe while holding the rail, but that is when the sea breeze decided to mock me. With one swoosh of air I could feel my dress catching air. As I tried to protect myself from having the dress flip up, I let go of the rail. As I let go of the rail I was no longer worried about my dress catching air. No, I was no longer worried because now I was skidding down the stairs with everything under my dress now being seen for the entire world (or so I thought), and embarrassment setting in.

My friend asked if I was okay. He demonstrated great concern over what he had seen. For the most part, I was. I was not broken in body. I had scraped my left arm, but that would heal. No, not broken in body, but definitely injured in spirit. I laughed it off - as in my MO when this occurs, and felt the sting of shock filter into my heart. I just wanted to act as if it did not happen. Rewind a few seconds, minutes, to when I hadn't fallen yet to prevent falling in the first place. Those feelings only belonged to me, and were definitely not caused or created by my friend with whom witnessed the entire thing.

Why do I bother mentioning this little tid-bit that anyone and everyone around me has already discovered? Why would it matter enough to sit and actually write about? It offers no insight, no life-lesson - except maybe learning how to laugh about falling in spite of embarrassment.

This is how I feel right not, in my heart. I feel clumsy...I feel like I am tumbling. It is a good clumsy tumbling though.

It scares me at times to feel this way. Our hearts are wonderful places to dwell, most of the time. And even with this joy comes the self-doubt that I may not match up to what my parents, children, family, and friends may want me to be. I try to not focus on this too much, but it is always there lending it's power to always try and do my best. I try to not focus on others for my sources of joy, but in this situation it is hard not to. For those I care about, I love them without boundaries, without reservations, without hesitation. I am scared because I don't want to wake up and realize it may be over. And while I know how to pick myself up, dust myself off, and laugh about my falls, this is an area I don't want to experience a fall from grace, so to speak. Instead, I am hopeful to only grow within grace, within truth, and within the unyielding, unwavering knowledge I am doing my best, and as a result have a life surrounded by those I love most.

I know the sources for this joy, and the sources for this clumsiness. I have been distracted easily more than once lately. I get those little butterflies in my stomach, and my body gets a reactionary tingle of delight. One source of my joy is due to the ability to look in the mirror, and like what I see. To not only like what I see, but also not worry about what most people think of the reflection staring back. I say "most" because regardless of the reflection staring back, there are some people I wish to make proud based on my actions. I want my parents to be proud of my decisions and where I am in life (even though I am not satisfied or close to where I want to be). I want my children to be proud I am their mother based on how I love them, and how hard I work for them. I want my family and friends to be proud to know me based on my actions of being good to them, and loving them dearly. To everyone else it does not matter. The stranger in the store giving me the once over will not be there intruding in my life 5 seconds from now. The people I mentioned, however, are with me for a lifetime. Another source of my joy, and the ultimate reason for feeling clumsy (in the good way) is due to a new chapter I am entering within my life. One filled with so much hope, so much promise, and ever growing need to see flourish. With this, I am excited.

Wishes - the "THAT" factor

"Sometimes, all you wish for is someone to wish for you..."

My friend once had this posted as her status on facebook; I thought it was brilliant. 11 little words that, when put together, expressed everything within my heart. 11 little words that summed up my emotional tug of war with the heart in wanting to appear strong, appear independent.

How many times have I thought this very same statement? I am not someone who has dated very much. Ironic, since I have always had longer relationships. I have been blessed with the fortune of relationships that ended, but friendships (for the most part) that have remained in tact. I have been blessed for each time my heart broke to learn more about who I am, what I need, what I desire. Usually it is the other person who walks away due to my stubborn quality. Even with that stubborn quality, I fully am able to see I am better for having known the person, having spent time with them. I am better for allowing my heart to be vulnerable, to feel, to express emotion. It may not have lasted, but my return on investment with who I am has always grown.

I am not sure how the relationship gods really work. Sometimes they give you this wonderful person who enters for only a short amount of time. In my way of thinking, why spend so much time with the frogs if you can just meet the prince in the first place? But, I guess if I never met frogs, I wouldn't know the prince when he is standing before me. Those short amounts of time, whether it be years or weeks, so hard in the meantime, but remembered lightly once over.

Other times they give you THAT person; the person who will look at me with wonderment, who holds my hand when I am growing old, doesn't mind my white hair growing in more frequently. That person who finds me endearing, and knows I have flaws but loves me in spite of them. That person who gives me encouragement when I am in need of strength I am not able to obtain. That person who wishes to be with me when I am not around, and can't imagine a life without me.

It is not just the wishing for someone, it is the being with someone that makes things so wonderful when found. That ability to express your heart without fear. That ability to be yourself when feeling silly, or able to hold you when you cry. That ability to just stay with you, never waiver from their feelings, when the world seems to be crashing down. That amazing quality that yesterday was great, tomorrow may be fantastic, but the moment you are both in is amazing. That feeling of being worth their time, cherished, and in awe that you met in the first place.

I am sure wishing and dreaming is a factor for being human. I am sure without the wish, the dream, we would not have enough imagination to actually follow our dreams. I am sure that beyond what the fairy tale books may say, each one of us is able to have our happily ever after if we allow our hearts to believe once more. I maintain these thoughts, dreams, wishes. "A dream is a wish your heart makes..." should just be my new anthem.

Favorite movies of all time

I love watching movies...don't get to watch them very often, but I love being part of a story, watching the actors portray characters that I would only dream of being, and only wish to avoid sometimes.

There are those movies I can watch over and over...those movies that I can find great comfort in, can laugh at, or just amuse myself from reality for a few moments. My top 5 movies are not unique or special for any reason other than the fact I love watching them. They have earned bragging rights into the rotation of my dvd collection. If I broke my favorite movies into genres the list would differ, but at the top of my lists would be these movies.


Gone With the Wind is my favorite movie. I could watch this movie and soak in the southern hospitality without any reserve. I have read the book many times, and never tire of the antics of one Miss Scarlett O'Hara. I would love to act as naughty as Scarlett, or tell someone how I felt about them with little care in the world. If things go wrong, she just keeps moving. The romance between she and Rhett is one of my favorite movie romances - partially because she does not realize what she has until it is gone, and frankly, he didn't give a damn to take her back! I love the Civil War time period - find the story so much a forgotten way of life that escaping into this is a much needed relief.



'Til There Was You is a story of girl, and a story of a guy. They cross paths every once in a while, but never really know each other or how dynamic they could be. The lead character, Gwen, is always searching for the one. The lead male, Nick, is too afraid to find the one. How familiar does this sound. But it is the story of how life offers unexpected surprises, and many different paths to our happiness. When watching this movie, it reminds me of my true prince will arrive, after having similar situations occur.


Breakfast at Tiffany's...this is my favorite rainy day movie. Not rainy day as in my world is crashing, but weather related. I love seeing Audrey Hepburn portray this slight of a woman who offers her wild fascinations and fancies to the world. Her happiness of going to Tiffany to buy something for under a certain dollar amount, then stealing a mask from the 5 and Dime store...the clothes, the style, the vulnerability that every girl feels, but we are all too afraid to admit. Her style and grace make this movie, and the story that follows is a lesson to us all.



Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind is one of the saddest movies ever to watch. Maybe that is why I like it so much. I am not a big Jim Carrey fan. There are few movies with him I actually enjoy...and of those I like they are all on a more serious role for him. This movie reminds me of all I have in my life that is hard, great, indifferent, lost, and gained. Here is a woman who erases someone from her mind. Here is a man who attempts to erase someone from his mind. But yet, fate still ushers them together again. I have had that feeling...that despair of wishing I could erase someone from my mind. If I erase them from my mind they will no longer affect my heart. But in the end, I want to remember everything (just not focus on it). I want to remember how I was loved; it opens possibilities to future love and what I want. I want to remember how I was hurt; it opens possibilities for improvement on my own choices, and what I truly desire and don't desire. My heart can heal from a breakup. A new person can fill my heart with joy. But the place in my heart where I had loved someone else cannot be replaced, only stored as a memory I may enjoy from time to time but never want to relive. I like watching this movie because we have all struggled with this. We have all thought "If I had never met that person..." But in the end, you can't change your past. You can only move forward, try better, and do more.



Back to the Future Trilogy is the absolute best series to watch when you are sick. Or, at least, I really enjoy them when I am sick. How could you not like movies that offer a glimpse of the 1980's suburbia to the 1950's days of innocence to 2015 (hard to believe that date is not too far away) back to the 1880's...I loved these movies when they originally came out in the theaters. I loved them on VHS, and now have them on DVD. I typically only watch them when I am sick - this is why they are my "sick" movies, but they make me smile, laugh, and remember when things were much simpler (days before a computer could be held in the palm of your hand via a smart phone) and I could dream of hover boards and time machines.

Wendy - the newest member of my family

When the kids and I moved into an apartment in 2004, my son asked if we could get a dog. Problem being, our lives had changed drastically within the past 6 months before this request. I had made the difficult decision to leave my husband. With the decision to leave a bad situation, the kids and I stayed with a friend for several months as I go back on my feet. My work schedule was not reliable. I was working at Neiman Marcus at the time where I was able to have control of my schedule, but still needed to work at least one night a week. The kids were attending school and daycare full time. Our apartment was larger, and definitely fit our needs, but was not a good location to have an animal. It was not the right time to get a dog.

I told my kids when we moved into a house, we would get a dog. They persisted every once in a while. My son especially wanted an animal to cuddle with, take for walks, play with...all the fun things you imagine when talking about having a pet. And, in the fall of 2008 we moved into a house. The house was large enough for a huge mastiff if we wanted, had a doggy door, and a big back yard to run around in. By this time, life had changed. I was no longer working for Neiman Marcus with evening shifts. I was now working Monday through Friday, 8-5. But that Monday through Friday schedule was much longer than just 8-5. We would need to leave the house at 6:30am to get the kids to school, and not return home until around 6:30pm. The kids were older, and not attending daycare any longer. They were now members at a local Boys & Girls Club. But that did not mean they would get home before I did to spend time with the dog. Weekends would be the only time we could devote to a new member of our household. But, with an animal needing and deserving the same attention as a child, this would not be a good scenario.

We were lucky to have my father-in-law bring his dogs over to the house. His dogs - Josie, Ashley, and Gypsy - were always welcome in our home, and made a few visits to the kids. As our time in the house progressed we lost Josie to old age, and Ashley was very shy around people after the loss. Gypsy, being a chihuahua, was just spunky and not sure what to think when dropped off. The kids were able to have this exposure, however, and learn more about dogs.

Our time in the house ended. I miss this house, and all the kooky nooks and crannies! I miss the space, and the feeling of being home. We recently moved into a townhouse that is not terrible, but still becoming acquainted with the new digs. 2 weeks before moving into the townhouse, I started a new job which was much closer to home, a better schedule for both the kids and me. And a month after moving, I started feeling the strong urge to get a dog. There were all these fabulous (new job), not as fabulous (new place to live), and difficult at the time (breakup with a boyfriend) that had occurred in 6 weeks span of time. So much has changed in my life, and even the difficult times I have experienced have really turned out for the best. Yes, it is hard not being in the house, but it is only drywall and wood. Yes, it was difficult going through a breakup, but in hindsight I learned so much about myself through the relationship, through the breakup, and am thankful to be in a much better place now. It seemed the perfect time to find a dog.

Enter friend Jessica Higgins. Around the same time, Jessica was looking for a new dog. We had gone to a local rescue farm and found her new dog, Luke. Luke was very much the protector of Carrie, owner of the farm. He watched her every move to make sure she was okay. When it came time to select a dog, I told Jessica that Luke would be a great match simply due to his level of protection he demonstrated. While at the farm, I found the sweetest dog named Lois. If I was not the level headed person I am, who is cautious with every turn, I would have walked away that day with her. But, being the person I am, I thought about this decision. I prayed about this decision, and realized I was not ready. Taking an animal home to me is the same as bringing a new baby into my home. It will take dedication, time, energy, and passion. Preparation was needed. Lois was extremely sweet and with a great disposition. She was beautiful with freckles on her nose. But she was also a larger dog that would need room. She was still in a chewing phase that I would not be keen on. I kept my eye on the website for the rescue farm, looking at the dogs to see if one was perfect.

Jessica and I took a trip out to the farm on 4th of July weekend, and I met Wendy. I had gone out to see another dog named Charlie. Charlie was very sweet, and a bit shy around new people. But Wendy was similar to Luke. Wendy watched Carrie with love. Wendy was very calm and sat down next to us, resting her legs, and not being forceful in her need to be noticed. As I did for Jessica, she did for me. "Ruthe, you HAVE to get Wendy!"

That day I made the decision to bring Wendy home! She needed to stay at the farm for a month due to some travel the kids and I would be doing, but she was ours. And last night, we picked her up, brought her home, and welcomed her into our family. As we were driving away from the farm, the place that had been Wendy's home for a few months, she settled between Emi and Ty. She rest her head on Emi's lap as we were driving away, and seemed very comfortable with her new situation. There will be an adjustment period for Wendy, and for us. We are getting to know her little spirit, and she will be learning ours. But we are so happy to have her come into our home and offer her love. She will be there for the kids as a friend and companion. She will hopefully grow to an old age and have a happy life with us. We are elated to have her as the newest member of our family.