Quiet introspective

Tonight is one of those nights where I feel very introspective of everything. This has been a very busy month. At times I have felt like Dorothy being caught up in a tornado, searching for my way home, and back to those places familiar to me.

There was not a moment or experience that has led me to feel this way tonight. Most everything in my life right now has been beyond wonderful. But as I sit here listening to some of my favorite songs, looking at pictures from what seems another life, I suppose time has caught up to me. I do not enjoy feeling this way - a strange mixture of sadness and quiet rewinding of previous moments - and don't want to dwell here long either. I usually avoid this feeling as long as I possibly can. And maybe it is because I have been suffering with sinus issues and little sleep, or missing my family members and friends who are no longer close in this world - I feel so strangely lost, and insecure.

I have been told by so many people that I am strong. Those people are the same people who have walked with me on my path, held my hands in sorrow, and shared laughter in the good times. They have known me when I was at the darkest points of my life, and stuck around to see the brighter points come around. Because I am a single parent, those who have seen me grow into this role tell me they admire everything I have done. My sisters-in-law tell me they do not know how I do it by myself. My friends tell me I seem to have no fear.

But the underlying truth is that I am always terrified I will lose everything around me that I have worked so hard to achieve I simply don't relax, or let many people into the room during a meltdown when all I need is a hug. I am so afraid I will awake and realize I said something wrong, did something harsh, or hurt those I love and alienated them. It has happened before; maybe that is why the feeling comes back from time to time. I am so afraid that I will those who think I am strong will realize I am nothing more than a scared child, trying to do the best she can. I am so afraid my shimmer will wear off, and I will be replaced. I am so afraid to be left again, and learn how to pick up the pieces once again.

They say the people we think of as being the strongest are often the people that most often need a hug. This would be very true of me, and of who I am. At the end of the day, it becomes exhausting to be strong. It becomes a moment of dread to wake up and try things again during a new day. I rely upon those around me to lift me when I am feeling this way, I rely upon my faith to encourage me in other ways. Sometimes the strongest of people are often those that break the quickest - we just don't allow others to see the glue holding us together. Along with that strength comes the ability to know how to hide or dispose of our super glue that is holding us together.

But tonight I feel like I have dropped the super glue, and it is too far out of reach to pick it up.

When things are this busy in my life, I need to occasionally step back, look and analyze what I have to be thankful for. It is never about eliminating things from my life, but always figuring out how to organize my time better. There are so many things I am praying about that I am just needing this time to determine what priority I should have me at. I spend so much of my day servicing someone else, maybe I need to just take a holiday for me- a day to do what I need to do, catch up on what needs catching up. Tomorrow will be a new day, and tomorrow I will probably not feel like this. Tomorrow I will probably read this post and wonder what the heck I was even upset about. But tonight is where I am, and what I should focus on.