Stress...There are few things that can offer me greater stress than those previously mentioned for car issues.
Yesterday I was so filled with self-doubt it was crippling for a moment. I was trying to ensure I had everything ready for the kids to start a new year of school. I was trying to ensure they both were up-to-date on their immunization shots. I needed to go grocery shopping, the bank, the post office. I needed to run into Target and Wal-Mart. I needed to get an appointment for the eye doctor for later in the afternoon yesterday. Oh, yeah, and I was also stressing about the car. I ended up in a panic attack, so fearful to move, to do anything. My breath was labored, I was in a ball on the floor crying and trying to breathe all at the same time. And for what? Why would I allow myself to even go down this path? Self-doubt.
I have spent most of my adult life being the strong person everyone can rely upon. In most situations I have been called to be the glue, regardless if it was my turn to be strong. I am raising two kids on my own, figuring out work, school, bills, needs all on my own. I have a strong support system within my family, extended family, and friends. But there are times I don't want to be strong anymore. There are times when it is nice for someone else to take care of me, to embrace me and tell me I will be okay. I am not asking for someone to solve my problems - no, that would be the easy way out. No, I am just asking for a momentary break from the strength I must always endure.
I didn't set out to be the strong one. I am fortunate to have found strength within my faith. Without this, I may not have made it out of my rough situations in the past as well as I have. I didn't want to grow up to be in the place I am right now, but where I am is actually pretty good. I have wonderful people that surround me, I wake up each morning with the desire to tackle and welcome anything that comes my way.
Yesterday I was so filled with self-doubt it was crippling for a moment. I was trying to ensure I had everything ready for the kids to start a new year of school. I was trying to ensure they both were up-to-date on their immunization shots. I needed to go grocery shopping, the bank, the post office. I needed to run into Target and Wal-Mart. I needed to get an appointment for the eye doctor for later in the afternoon yesterday. Oh, yeah, and I was also stressing about the car. I ended up in a panic attack, so fearful to move, to do anything. My breath was labored, I was in a ball on the floor crying and trying to breathe all at the same time. And for what? Why would I allow myself to even go down this path? Self-doubt.
I have spent most of my adult life being the strong person everyone can rely upon. In most situations I have been called to be the glue, regardless if it was my turn to be strong. I am raising two kids on my own, figuring out work, school, bills, needs all on my own. I have a strong support system within my family, extended family, and friends. But there are times I don't want to be strong anymore. There are times when it is nice for someone else to take care of me, to embrace me and tell me I will be okay. I am not asking for someone to solve my problems - no, that would be the easy way out. No, I am just asking for a momentary break from the strength I must always endure.
I didn't set out to be the strong one. I am fortunate to have found strength within my faith. Without this, I may not have made it out of my rough situations in the past as well as I have. I didn't want to grow up to be in the place I am right now, but where I am is actually pretty good. I have wonderful people that surround me, I wake up each morning with the desire to tackle and welcome anything that comes my way.
The hardest moment within my meltdown is surrendering to help from someone. I am not good at letting others know I am hurting. As the years go by I have learned to be better at this concept. Sometimes it is easier to suffer in silence, than hear the deafening advise from everyone about what you should do - or the more offensive tragedy of someone trying to solve the problem for you. I don't want someone to solve my problems for me. How am I going to learn if that happens? Mostly, I just need someone to listen, to hold my hand, and to tell me I will survive this as well as I have survived everything else. And once I am feeling well, I don't want them to see my problems the minute they see me - like some type of scarlet letter upon my chest visible for the rest of the world to see.
My moments are far and few between, thankfully. It doesn't too frequently where I am struggling, or drowning in self-doubt. Now that I am not buried under the water I am doing fine. And the next time I feel this creep up, I will know how to handle it better...hopefully.
My moments are far and few between, thankfully. It doesn't too frequently where I am struggling, or drowning in self-doubt. Now that I am not buried under the water I am doing fine. And the next time I feel this creep up, I will know how to handle it better...hopefully.
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