Tripping over myself just to stand on two feet

There are so many moments in my life where I felt my feet planted firmly beneath me. Moments where I knew what I wanted, and just went for it. Moments I had no fear of being told I couldn't do something. Moments I believed I held infinite wisdom and power just in the knowledge of my actions.



Then there are those moments filled with one calamity after the next. Those moments of self-doubt so crippling I am fearful of my next step. Those moments where I feel I am just tripping over myself just to stand on two feet.


It is ironic, really. The moments of fear or embarrassment may be perceived internally as shaping us more than the moments of courage. Externally, the moments of strength or courage shape how others views us. Within our hearts we hold so many secrets, so tightly guarded, fears, opinions of ourselves. We store these like we are preparing for a long winter, attempting to stay warm with our self-doubt. We try to hide them from the outside world so to not let someone catch on to the facade we create only for appearance purposes. As they settle into our hearts, they begin to settle into our actions. As they settle into our actions they begin to cripple us even further with apprehension from being our genuine, intentional, wonderful being we may not see ourselves as.
Our fears can be so irrational. Our fears only serve as a protective shield against allowing goodness to enter. Sure, our fears may be actualized. But how many of our actualized fears were due to telling ourselves we were not good enough, not strong enough, not accepted so why bother trying. How many of our fears are only realized due to our actions based on the fear? I can think of several moments in which I feared something so intently it prevented me from action; paralyzed my heart from feeling, and my body from movement.
I hold within my heart so many mysteries even I do not understand. Methods to which I feel or think are not even understood by the owner...me. Why did I do this? Why didn't I say that? Where did the person with dreams disappear to, and when will she return? It is like a dog chasing their own tail. I am not going anywhere with these thoughts, and certainly not doing any good within the world. I am not being the best, most genuine, intentional person I can be.
I try to rise above those thoughts, most days. That old quote by Franklin D. Roosevelt of "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" is so true. Others do not own these fears. Others are not even aware of these fears. They are too preoccupied with their own. Patience is a virtue I strive for each day, but sometimes having little patience for myself does not solve anything. But my attempt to rise is the surest way to learn patience for myself.

I am learning a new way of thinking and feeling. I do not want to take residence in my own fears and happen to miss out on a beautiful experience. The past where my fears began cannot hurt me unless I allow them to encompass my today, and my tomorrows. Stepping out on the ledge is not a strong suit of mine, but lending myself to new experiences depends on taking that step. Loving others without boundaries will only occur if I am able to love myself without boundaries, accept myself for who I am. I am attempting to make the Home Depot makeover within myself.