Clumsy girl

I am one of the most clumsy people you will ever meet. I have rolled down mountains (yes, a literal mountain, not the proverbial figure of speech mountain). I have fallen down stairs at work while co-workers listened to the fall. My latest spill involved wind, sand, the beach, and a nasty little scrape to my arm. I can laugh off these spills, however. I have learned how to fall so that when I do fall, I am not seriously injured. Oddly enough, I am better walking in heels without tripping, falling, slipping, than I am wearing flat shoes. I can run in heels without falling, but put me in a pair of flip-flops, tennis shoes, bare feet, and all of a sudden I am a tripping fool.

To those around me who witness my falls, rolls, spills, slips, and tumbles I am sure I amuse them. I would laugh at them for falling, given the right situation. I am not an evil person, but that is entertainment you can't buy. I wouldn't laugh at a stranger falling; that would require action to ensure they are okay. I have not only learned how to fall, but I have also learned how to laugh it off. This is part of who I am as a person. I either have to learn to love myself in spite of my flaws, or forever hide under a rock and never leave my house. Even then, I am sure, I would figure out a way to still make the occasional fall from grace with no one looking on. I have learned to accept this as much as I have learned to accept I am very emotional, old fashioned, romantic, stubborn, silly, "dorky" person.

My latest spill was so incredibly embarrassing. Just because I can laugh off my my falls does not mean I am not embarrassed my feet decide to not play nice. I literally wanted to shrink into the size of a grain of sand what was now resting somewhere on my body. I was in La Jolla, California, walking down the steps to the beach. It was a beautiful overcast day. A beautiful 70 degrees outside. Not the typical day I would want to spend at the beach; but for exploring and seeing something new it was highly enjoyable. The wind was breezy with a bit of chill from the sea air. Birds were chirping in the background, and sounds of children squealing in delight echoed through my ears and line of vision. I was with someone I very much did not want to embarrass myself in front of. Perfect scenario to trip, again...

We decided to get closer to the water. I live in Arizona. Arizona is a land locked state. Not only is it a land locked state, but it is also a desert for the most part. The only times I am around water if near home is the man-made lakes...not the same as the ocean. To get to the water we had to walk down stairs. The stairs were not steep, but maybe a bit narrow for my large feet. Sand was covering the slippery steps - my arch nemesis when walking down stairs in flip-flops. The sea breeze blowing through my hair - another arch nemesis with my choice to wear a dress that day. As I was walking down the stairs I decided to take off the flip-flops en route. Okay, not the smartest of ideas. My friend told me to be careful...this warning is now duly noted but at the time I thought I would be okay. I was doing okay for the most part...I held the rail as I took my right shoe off without issue. I took off the left shoe while holding the rail, but that is when the sea breeze decided to mock me. With one swoosh of air I could feel my dress catching air. As I tried to protect myself from having the dress flip up, I let go of the rail. As I let go of the rail I was no longer worried about my dress catching air. No, I was no longer worried because now I was skidding down the stairs with everything under my dress now being seen for the entire world (or so I thought), and embarrassment setting in.

My friend asked if I was okay. He demonstrated great concern over what he had seen. For the most part, I was. I was not broken in body. I had scraped my left arm, but that would heal. No, not broken in body, but definitely injured in spirit. I laughed it off - as in my MO when this occurs, and felt the sting of shock filter into my heart. I just wanted to act as if it did not happen. Rewind a few seconds, minutes, to when I hadn't fallen yet to prevent falling in the first place. Those feelings only belonged to me, and were definitely not caused or created by my friend with whom witnessed the entire thing.

Why do I bother mentioning this little tid-bit that anyone and everyone around me has already discovered? Why would it matter enough to sit and actually write about? It offers no insight, no life-lesson - except maybe learning how to laugh about falling in spite of embarrassment.

This is how I feel right not, in my heart. I feel clumsy...I feel like I am tumbling. It is a good clumsy tumbling though.

It scares me at times to feel this way. Our hearts are wonderful places to dwell, most of the time. And even with this joy comes the self-doubt that I may not match up to what my parents, children, family, and friends may want me to be. I try to not focus on this too much, but it is always there lending it's power to always try and do my best. I try to not focus on others for my sources of joy, but in this situation it is hard not to. For those I care about, I love them without boundaries, without reservations, without hesitation. I am scared because I don't want to wake up and realize it may be over. And while I know how to pick myself up, dust myself off, and laugh about my falls, this is an area I don't want to experience a fall from grace, so to speak. Instead, I am hopeful to only grow within grace, within truth, and within the unyielding, unwavering knowledge I am doing my best, and as a result have a life surrounded by those I love most.

I know the sources for this joy, and the sources for this clumsiness. I have been distracted easily more than once lately. I get those little butterflies in my stomach, and my body gets a reactionary tingle of delight. One source of my joy is due to the ability to look in the mirror, and like what I see. To not only like what I see, but also not worry about what most people think of the reflection staring back. I say "most" because regardless of the reflection staring back, there are some people I wish to make proud based on my actions. I want my parents to be proud of my decisions and where I am in life (even though I am not satisfied or close to where I want to be). I want my children to be proud I am their mother based on how I love them, and how hard I work for them. I want my family and friends to be proud to know me based on my actions of being good to them, and loving them dearly. To everyone else it does not matter. The stranger in the store giving me the once over will not be there intruding in my life 5 seconds from now. The people I mentioned, however, are with me for a lifetime. Another source of my joy, and the ultimate reason for feeling clumsy (in the good way) is due to a new chapter I am entering within my life. One filled with so much hope, so much promise, and ever growing need to see flourish. With this, I am excited.