Over and over and over (repeat)

Having one of those days where I just play the same song over...and over...and over...it really serves as no purpose in making my spirits light, or helping me with anything.  Just a song I like, that happens to allow me to wallow in self-pity for whatever ails me at the moment...how could I not listen over and over with lyrics like:

"Baby where's that place where time stands still
I remember like a lover can
But I forget it like a leaver will
It's the first time that you held my hand
It's the smell and the taste and the fear and the thrill
It's everything I understand
And all the things I never will"

It always reminds me of being in high school, just discovering The Eagles, and listening to Wasted Time...I listened to that song so many times in repetition I wondered if my mom would come and break the CD in half. Or the particular song I listened to in college, the same worry that my roommate would come in and break the CD from my subjecting her to endless hours of the same song, over and over and over again...repeat.

To me, though, music is soothing.  It evokes feelings I suppress, and allows me to have that inner dialogue I typically do not allow myself.  It brings me to another place and time, where I can literally smell the air from when I first heard the song, or first remembered liking the song...right now, I am in college, smelling orange blossoms, hearing the very same song I am listening to right now, hearing my roommate tell me the song is perfect for what I am feeling.  I am 18, healing my broken heart, young, innocent, thinking I can do anything in the world, with my whole future in front of me.  Instead, in the present, I am in my 30's, divorced, single parent, wondering if I will ever feel the warmth of someone's hand within mine as we walk through life.  I no longer believe in being able to do anything, because I feel so worn from all the storms within my life.  I no longer think that things will be okay, because I have told myself that for years, and it has only led me to this place where I am now.  My only hope is that what I wish for and what reality hands me somehow mirror each other.  

Such a vast difference from that 18 year old...the only similarity other than it being me is the smell of orange blossoms in the air from my window that is open...Over and over and over...repeat...it is softly telling me, this song, that sometimes we don't understand...and that is how I feel. It's all the things I understand, and all the things I never will...