Just like heaven

Looking back on different moments, it is funny how I see things.  Moments that used to be filled with great sentimental value can sometimes get lost in translation days, months, or even years later.  What once was sentimental, holding a special place in your heart seemingly is replaced by other emotions.  It isn't that you don't still care about that moment; it is that your level of emotion has changed.

There are so many things I wish I could clarify right now.  So many moments I wish I could go back to, redefine what happened, and have a different outcome.  But for all the moments I wish I could redefine are more moments yet to come that may take me by surprise.  Sometimes 'happily ever after' is not intended for everyone, and right now that would include myself.  Sometimes we can destroy our own happy endings when confronted with something that terrifies us.  There is no right, no wrong.  We think a decision we are making is right for the right now, but sometimes in reflecting we realize it was wrong for the rest of our lives.  Sometimes you get a second chance, but more often than not you don't.  You only live with, and move forward from, the incredible sense of doubt and insecurities.  Today, my heart is filled with utter heaviness, and a great sense of unknown for what tomorrow may bring.  I want to crawl into my bed, put the covers over my head, and hide from the world.  I want to never let anyone into my heart of hearts, where my genuine soul exists.  Because when let in, it seems I only get hurt.

In trying to not let my heart be too greatly exposed, in attempts to protect myself as much as possible, parts of who I am have suffered.  Maybe it was that I yielded when I normally wouldn't.  Maybe it was that I became closed off, not letting anyone in for fear of being hurt once more.  The moment I am in right now is filled with so much regret, so much pain, and that feeling of being alone...again...And while I have known that great, vast feeling of being alone, it is worse when it is coupled with loneliness.

In the perfect world, I wouldn't have to feel this way.  In the perfect world, I would be able to expose my heart without fear of others exploiting it.  In the perfect world, I would not be so sensitive, and take everything to heart.  In my perfect world, it would be just like heaven where all is right, there is no pain, and only happiness dwells.