I am currently on this path of uncertainty. I know what I want, and am working toward that goal. But there are many different variables that also impact my life that my prevent me from what I want. It is always the most difficult time when this also deals with my heart.
In my heart, I want to shout from rooftops that I am in this place of happiness based on being with someone who I find wonderful beyond belief. I am with someone who can make me blush just at hearing his name. His attention to detail, his wit, sense of humor, and intelligence help me strive to do better.
In my heart, I feel reborn with this relationship. I am learning how to think in a more positive manner, how to understand better, and to be more supportive, and how to allow him in. I am learning how to stand when it feels the world may crash around me without him beside me each day. I am learning how to trust again, to feel emotions I have never allowed myself to have out of fear of abandonment or emotional backlash.
Never in my life did I think I would find someone on this earth who immediately calms my fears, gives me a sense of electricity in the air, and clarity.
Never did I think I would find someone who brings such joy into my life other than the joy brought by my children. He brings such a sense of happiness when he walks into a room, smiles at me, or just glances at me that I have never felt before.
Never did I think I would also have that bittersweet knowledge that I am not able to see him on a regular basis. I am not able to have dinner with him on a Thursday night - make plans for a Saturday afternoon - or help with something as simple as grocery shopping. As I was reminded, each night I go to sleep alone.
When we are not together, there is a piece of me missing. There is a hole in my heart that only fills when we are next to each other. And for all the difficulties we face, it feels so much better when we are able to see the break of a new day together. It is much more than chemistry - I feel as if I have met a person who simultaneously shares a thought with me without the need to say a word. There have been times when I have said something to which he says "I was just getting ready to say that." Or, I have written about something within a blog or email that he has not seen and he brings the subject up. In so many ways, for so many reasons, I feel this is the right person to trust with my heart, to trust with my life, and to love. In being married, having other long term relationships, I have never felt that connection with someone else.
And, as everything must be in life, there is uncertainty of how we continue living 2,500 miles apart, have a relationship, and where we go from here. In so much uncertainty, there are odd factors I have never felt before. If asked, I would leave my own comfort zone to enter his, for no other reason than the belief that it was the right decision to make. In the past, this has not been the case. In the past, when contemplating a move, I told my then boyfriend I had no intentions of leaving the location I am living.
I never felt safe enough to leave my comfort zone for this other person, but with my guy I feel this very calming and peaceful feeling even at the contemplation of a move. I am ready and willing to make the necessary changes not due to the need to have a man in my life. It is based upon the knowledge that it feels like the right movement toward a path we can walk together.
Time will tell, and hopefully our desire to be together will transcend concerns in a healthy matter. Right now, the only thing I can do is say my prayers for us to be able to move forward, set goals, meet those goals, and be together. Right now, I can only offer my support, be who I am, and continue to make strides for us to be together.
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