So many words, so little time

So, I am sitting at my desk at work, and literally hoping that either my hands start to do something that is productive on my computer, or my monitor and keyboard magically start working for themselves, allowing me the credit...Don't get me wrong, I love my job.  But there are days where I have a hard time focusing on what I should be doing.

Focusing may be the wrong word.  I don't need help focusing.  My managers are awesome to work with, and they give those in my department the ability to work independently.  Some days I will sit and learn new applications, or tweek some documents I have stared at too many times but have nothing really to do otherwise.  This is a unique position to be in; that ability to work on things, learn things in an environment that fosters learning, and allowed the freedom to discover things on my own. 

The previous company I worked for could be described as nothing short of hell.  I could have worked a full 24 hours straight, still feel like I have more work to do, and be told I wasn't doing enough.  Very frustrating.  My day was dictated by a calendar full of trainings, and on any given day I would conduct up to 6 training sessions.  Constantly being on the phone, I learned that I spent a majority of my time working with individuals around the country in which I never met, but fostered and developed relationships with.  In meeting a few of those clients face to face, I was always so excited to tie a face to a name, and learn more about them.  Yet, there was always that evil voice lurking in the background - "Don't be too friendly," "When are you going to get this done," or other confusing and misleading sentences that would frequent the air.

Part of the problem today is my mind is elsewhere.  My mind is where my heart is...and that is not within the walls of my company's office walls.  My mind and my heart are so many miles away from where my body is sitting, attempting to do work.  And once that happens, it is difficult for me to accomplish anything other than breathing.  Even that, at times, feels like a task.  In my heart, and in my mind, there are words circling around.  So many words, with so little time to express them.  That feeling of stopping and starting over and over and over...that feeling of blurred lines, blurred actions, and blurred intentions.  That dizzy spinning effect where your heart and mind conflict but also merge into one.  And the desires of my heart will hopefully realized and achieved.  Waiting for that moment to be realized.