My hurting heart

I am stubborn.  I am not someone that allows others into my realm very often to see my fears, my doubts, my needs.  I don't ask for help, and certainly do not walk around telling everyone my business.  I don't want others to see me in pain, or see if I am hurting.  And sometimes this results in my inability to accept help, and my ability to push others away.  Subconsciously or consciously I am afraid to let others in when I need help, request help, or even allow someone else to help me.  I am close-guarded with my feelings, close-guarded with my heart.  I don't want to be someone's project to work on, or feel pity due to my mistakes or actions.  I don't want anything else but a hug, someone to be there, holding my hand, and telling me regardless of my mistakes, they will be there for me with the understanding that if I do make a mistake I learn from it, hoepfully not to repeat it again.

I don't feel the need to project an image of myself to others that is false; I just don't want to allow them into my thoughts to safeguard my own heart.  I don't feel the need to be perfect in front of others; I just don't want anyone to worry about me.  And it takes someone very special to unlock the padlock and come inside.

My questions, my needs, my desires can not be answered in a small way.  And when attempting to apologize for something I have done wrong, it is difficult to express exactly what I would like to say without feeling completely disrobed.  My ability to write about how I feel has always been my method for expression.  But in life, you cannot carry around a tablet to write your emotions.  And once something is said, you cannot take a giant eraser and remove the comment.  It is there - hanging in the air like a giant storm cloud waiting to produce a downpour. For all the reflection back on this pain, it seems I am drowning in a pool without a life vest or lifeguard on duty.  The life vest would be forgiveness, and the lifeguard would the person I hurt. 

I try to not be insensitive toward others.  I would never outright do something hurtful to another person, regardless of how I am feeling myself.  I do not use others words and feelings as a method of exploitation.  I don't typically use others words against them in a way that makes them reconsider sharing in the first place.  Because I am so sensitive myself, I try to not hurt someone else.  But still, there is no reason for my actions, and nothing I feel I can do to remedy the situation.  And there are not enough ways to say you are sorry when you have hurt someone else - it is unfortunately up to them to reciprocate, to come back, to forgive, and to move forward. 


In looking back, there are so many things I wish I could do differently.  The words that escaped my mouth that caused pain, the actions that created an alienation.  Most of this is a blur, and not something I can take back.  It has been a very difficult week with many roller coaster emotions and confusion, intense moments and things shared.  Some things good, some things not so good.  I am really struggling, but keep praying.  My heart is hurting, my head is spinning. And I feel I messed up in ways I can never make up for.

If I could remove all the hurt I caused, I would.  If I could offer any words, do anything to help create a salve on the wound of this other person's heart, I would not stop until the wound healed.  My only hope is that I am given another chance.  That my words and actions are forgiven, healing can begin, and our journey continues on the same path together.