I never wanted to be a single parent. It was the last intention on earth to be alone, raising children, dealing with all their needs without the support and help of someone else physically living with me. And even when I had someone else physically living with me (their father), it was pretty much like doing everything on my own anyhow.
In today's age, I feel that being a single parent is similar to that of the Scarlett Letter. Sure, I had my kids while married, so I do not carry a scarlet letter "A" upon my chest as Hester Prynne did, but instead I carry the scarlet letters "SP" upon my life. Sometimes I feel people look at me in dismay, or disbelief. In my dating life, it is always cause for great concern when the kids are brought up. For all the thought and reflection another may do in deciding if my family is something they want to take upon their shoulders, it is greatly appreciated. Yet, it is also hard at the same time. It is hard hearing someone say "I am not sure about dating you because of the kids" as if I could wave a magic wand, revert back to another time when I did not have children to start over. Truth is, the kids have helped form the individual they see standing in front of them. Truth is, if I accept someone for who they are, I accept all of them, not just bits and pieces. Sometimes if feels this is the opposite of what happens to me.
In my mind, I recognize the fact that it is not about being accepted, or rejection. In my mind, I understand that what I have to offer may not be what everyone wants to take upon their own lives. I get it. I am not sure if I could date someone with kids, which is really ironic. I understand that if I was dating someone with a child, I may have misgivings as well. Let's face it, it is hard coming into a relationship and not being the other person's top priority. It is hard feeling like you are doing things in reverse of the old childhood song of "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage..." especially if that baby in the baby carriage is not yours...and is not in a carriage any longer, but able to see what you are doing, look up to you, ask for advise, and include you as their family. It is hard wondering if you will measure up to what they need, desire, request, or want. In trying, though, you discover strengths you never knew...
In my heart, however, that is where rationale is thrown out the window. My mind is able to comprehend and understand the fears that accompany involvement with someone wearing the scarlet SP. But my heart is different. My heart, that is able to love and give love does not understand. My heart looks upon my kids' faces, sees beauty mixed with all their little personality traits, and wonders why someone would doubt the ability to love them. My children are some of the easiest kids to be around. They don't ask for much. They don't act out for attention, or create havoc in the lives of others. Since I have not involved them with many of my relationships, friend or love based, and sheltered them from yet another person being in their lives, they don't have that dread of "Here comes another one...thanks Mom"
In my heart, I desire to have companionship. I am not looking for another 'daddy' for my kids...they already have one. I am not looking for someone to come in and pay my bills, or take on more than they should. I am not wanting someone to be there because they feel they should be there. I want someone to talk to at the end of the day, who will hold my hand, walk with me through difficult times, and laugh with me when things are good. In my heart, I desire to be a good companion, supporting them through their journey in life. Regardless of the ups and downs, to have my companion also believe the fact that we are standing with one another and we will make it as a team. To look at me, despite all I have in this world that may be scarlet letters SP related, any baggage I may come with, and go beyond fear to try. I am not expecting perfection. I am wanting someone to do their best.
Everyone is going to have baggage, everyone is going to have something from their past that is hard. Everyone is going to have fears and issues they are working on until the minute they leave this world. Everyone has their own desires, and their own goals. Taking upon yourself the other person's desires, goals, and needs, encouraging them, standing beside them, and being a shelter from the storms of life is part of being with someone just as much as when the sun is shining, good times are only seen, and life seems like a never ending amazement. Accepting someone as they are, knowing as each day passes, we are both growing together, is the goal.
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