Storm

There are very few that may see my fears, even fewer who actually get my fears.  Some days I am intense, and need someone else to just listen rather than offer their opinions.  Other days I need those opinions and feedback.  Right now, those fears, those opinions, feedback...they all lead into this storm I am feeling.  Right now, I feel like I am drowning in all the emotions I am feeling, and there is no hand to reach for, no one to pull me up, no one to rescue me.  For all the faith I have in this world, and all the love I know I have, I feel very alone, very small, very frightened.  While I know things will be okay, it doesn't stop those feelings from being present, from showing their ugliness.

So many thoughts running through my head right now, and none of them that actually even make sense.  So many questions, what-ifs, and scenarios of what I should do now, in this moment I am in, and where I should go.  The only thing that seems to make sense is writing things out, getting my thoughts out.   I feel somewhat insignificant, and unable to clarify all those thoughts.  Talking to someone about how I am feeling really won't help.  At this point, I don't want to burden anyone with my thoughts when I cannot even think clearly.

I love the moments in my life, and I love the people that shape my life.  But my life, the moments within my life, the people who shape my life, all feels so blurry right now.  I know this life has much more to offer me, I just wish I could see when the storms I feel I have will pass, and the sun will be shining again.  I am tired of the rain cloud that seems to dominate my every mood.  I try my best each day, give of myself probably more than I receive in return. Some days I feel I give, and give, and give with very little in return.  It is not my objective to receive something in return, but when I am staring at my phone, needing to talk to someone, and unable to call the only person I really want to talk to, all the other numbers seem to be a huge pattern of numbers rather than a connection to the outside.

I keep wondering how long will things be like this?  At what point do I receive what I need, what I want?  If I am so deserving of great things, how come I have been in this struggle for so long, feeling that I am always living hand to mouth.  When I feel that slight bit of happiness it seems to run away from me as quickly as it can.  Whenever I feel I may be able to have those things I desire it seems they are more like castles in the sand, where the tide has rushed in and is gone quicker than anyone can imagine.  I keep searching for possibilities, and all I seem to find is the impossible.  And to me, when someone says something is impossible it means they just don't want to try.  They don't feel I am worth the investment of their time.  And it seems to be a constant theme.  At what point do I just surrender, give up, and move forward realizing that maybe I am not supposed to have someone to love me, maybe I am not supposed to have happily ever after.  Maybe what I have right now is all I will ever have.  Because in all those things I am told I deserve - they seem to escape me over and over.  I want so desperately to just break down, give up, and realize what I have been going through for so many years is what I will always have - loneliness.

So, I found this song today, and the lyrics seem to fit this mood.  Oddly enough, the song is called Storm. 

how long have I

been in this storm

so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

water's getting harder to tread

with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I'd see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and everything will be alright

I know you didn't

bring me out here to drown

so why am I 10 feet under and upside down

barely surviving has become my purpose

cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water

you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

everything's alright