"I used to be so sensitive to the light that leads to where you are
Now i've acquired these callouses with the darkness of a cold and jaded heart"
Now i've acquired these callouses with the darkness of a cold and jaded heart"
I remember the day very clearly when this song not only spoke to my heart, but also spoke so clearly about what I was doing, how I was feeling, how broken I felt. In reading my post "The Other Side of Me", this too is a Michael W. Smith song. In fact, the 2 songs are part of a trilogy of songs on an album I love very dearly. So, in fitting order of how he arranged his songs, I thought I,too, would arrange my postings for the three.
In reading these words, in understanding how broken one must truly feel to identify, is astounding. And yet, there I was. Sitting in my fragrance bay at Macy's, listening to this song, in full tears, feeling the song was written just for me. I was broken in spirit, body, and mind. I felt so alone, and so fearful for what the future had to offer. I was 28 years old, suffering from all-day panic attacks, weighing 109 lbs on my 5'9" frame, with bones protruding from every angle. Not only was I a shadow of my former self, I was someone I didn't even recognize in the mirror. And so I sat, alone on the floor of my working space, praying no one would see my pain, and I would not be interrupted by a customer or co-worker as my world was spinning out of control. It was days before I was leaving my husband, and so fearful of his reaction when I left, fearful of how this would effect my kids, fearful of how this would change everything I was familiar with.
I remember sitting, praying, and feeling so desperately alone. I was aware of not being the only person in the world who was going through a marriage of abuse, I was aware of not being the only one in the world afraid to know what tomorrow may bring. But in that moment, I was afraid to even move for fear my world would crash around me. And this song came on. The previous song that played was "The other side of me," - a song I had played at my wedding. It brought feelings of sadness to hear the song as I remembered that day. And with this song flawlessly beginning at my lowest point, it spoke to my heart. I had developed so many callouses within my heart. A general feeling of distrust, destruction, and dismay. Yet, here I was - able to allow myself to feel the pain and move forward. Able to feel the spiritual presence of being embraced, and feeling new life being brought forth into my lungs, my limbs, my heart, and my soul. I was able to, on that day, reconcile with myself all the rights and wrongs for the current moment, and actually believe for the first time in years that when I went home, I would not be a coward, but would stand up for myself, and do what I thought to be the best thing for my health, my heart, and state of being for my children. I was given new life. I allowed myself to start forgiving my actions, and the actions of my husband. While we subsequently divorced, this song has always reminded me to give my fears, my frustrations, and my feelings of inadequacy over to the Lord, and allow Him to work from within me. Allow Him to restore everything that was broken in the past, and my be broke in the future.
In reading these words, in understanding how broken one must truly feel to identify, is astounding. And yet, there I was. Sitting in my fragrance bay at Macy's, listening to this song, in full tears, feeling the song was written just for me. I was broken in spirit, body, and mind. I felt so alone, and so fearful for what the future had to offer. I was 28 years old, suffering from all-day panic attacks, weighing 109 lbs on my 5'9" frame, with bones protruding from every angle. Not only was I a shadow of my former self, I was someone I didn't even recognize in the mirror. And so I sat, alone on the floor of my working space, praying no one would see my pain, and I would not be interrupted by a customer or co-worker as my world was spinning out of control. It was days before I was leaving my husband, and so fearful of his reaction when I left, fearful of how this would effect my kids, fearful of how this would change everything I was familiar with.
I remember sitting, praying, and feeling so desperately alone. I was aware of not being the only person in the world who was going through a marriage of abuse, I was aware of not being the only one in the world afraid to know what tomorrow may bring. But in that moment, I was afraid to even move for fear my world would crash around me. And this song came on. The previous song that played was "The other side of me," - a song I had played at my wedding. It brought feelings of sadness to hear the song as I remembered that day. And with this song flawlessly beginning at my lowest point, it spoke to my heart. I had developed so many callouses within my heart. A general feeling of distrust, destruction, and dismay. Yet, here I was - able to allow myself to feel the pain and move forward. Able to feel the spiritual presence of being embraced, and feeling new life being brought forth into my lungs, my limbs, my heart, and my soul. I was able to, on that day, reconcile with myself all the rights and wrongs for the current moment, and actually believe for the first time in years that when I went home, I would not be a coward, but would stand up for myself, and do what I thought to be the best thing for my health, my heart, and state of being for my children. I was given new life. I allowed myself to start forgiving my actions, and the actions of my husband. While we subsequently divorced, this song has always reminded me to give my fears, my frustrations, and my feelings of inadequacy over to the Lord, and allow Him to work from within me. Allow Him to restore everything that was broken in the past, and my be broke in the future.
And i'm alive
With the power of your holiness
You breathe in me
And you revive
Feelings in my soul
That i have laid to rest
So breathe in me
I need you now
I've never felt so dead within
So breathe in me
Maybe somehow
You can breathe new life
In me again
I used to be
So sensitive
To the light that leads
To where you are
Now i've acquired
These callouses
With the darkness of
A cold and jaded heart
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