"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love,
listens but doesn't believe,
and leaves before she is left."
- Marilyn Monroe
listens but doesn't believe,
and leaves before she is left."
- Marilyn Monroe
I am not sure when it actually happened. My father was always there for me. I could always trust he would be there for me if I needed to talk, if I needed help, if I needed a hug. Growing up in a family with 2 parents I never learned to not trust, or fear that someone would leave. It was not even a question in my mind.
Trust is a fickle friend at times. Especially in dealing with relationships, other people, other people's thoughts. Trust is essential for any relationship. Regardless if this is a friendship or family member, dating or serious relationship, even co-workers and neighbors. If trust is lost, you learn to become paranoid of the unknown, what-if, and self-doubt.
Before I was married, I trusted with all my heart in anything I did. I believed I could climb the highest mountains, figure out the toughest of math equations, love without stopping, and be loved without someone leaving. During my marriage, I learned otherwise. I learned that even though someone may love you, they are not always around when you need them. That is true for even the healthiest of relationships.
From my marriage, I carried away a sense of abandonment by the person I thought would never abandon me. And for this, I carry wounds still very deep within my heart.
One of my fears, which is really just beyond what I should expect...being abandoned. It is not so much the fear of not having a relationship work. It is more the fear that I will become close to someone, develop feelings, and have that person walk out. Within this fear comes a paralyzing effect of doubt, worry, and ultimately wasted energy for something I can not control. That feeling of leaving before being left has never been my philosophy. I can understand why this could be a theory or philosophy of others, given the relationships that have left me bereft.
Due to my fear, I have learned to not let people in unless I have learned to trust them. I have a hard time opening up to others, letting them see my struggles for fear it will be too much. Letting someone in to realize I am not as perfect as they thought (perfect meaning I was what they wanted at the time) or I am not good enough is a constant battle within my heart. While I didn't grow up in this environment of distrust, I have learned patterns that may be too intense for others to understand, or to take on.
Trust is a fickle friend at times. Especially in dealing with relationships, other people, other people's thoughts. Trust is essential for any relationship. Regardless if this is a friendship or family member, dating or serious relationship, even co-workers and neighbors. If trust is lost, you learn to become paranoid of the unknown, what-if, and self-doubt.
Before I was married, I trusted with all my heart in anything I did. I believed I could climb the highest mountains, figure out the toughest of math equations, love without stopping, and be loved without someone leaving. During my marriage, I learned otherwise. I learned that even though someone may love you, they are not always around when you need them. That is true for even the healthiest of relationships.
From my marriage, I carried away a sense of abandonment by the person I thought would never abandon me. And for this, I carry wounds still very deep within my heart.
One of my fears, which is really just beyond what I should expect...being abandoned. It is not so much the fear of not having a relationship work. It is more the fear that I will become close to someone, develop feelings, and have that person walk out. Within this fear comes a paralyzing effect of doubt, worry, and ultimately wasted energy for something I can not control. That feeling of leaving before being left has never been my philosophy. I can understand why this could be a theory or philosophy of others, given the relationships that have left me bereft.
Due to my fear, I have learned to not let people in unless I have learned to trust them. I have a hard time opening up to others, letting them see my struggles for fear it will be too much. Letting someone in to realize I am not as perfect as they thought (perfect meaning I was what they wanted at the time) or I am not good enough is a constant battle within my heart. While I didn't grow up in this environment of distrust, I have learned patterns that may be too intense for others to understand, or to take on.
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