That sinking feeling

That sinking feeling...the moment you realize your hopes have been dashed, faith may be lost, and dreams are now gone.  The plans previously made are but a memory of what was when the dates arrive.  Your cognizance to promises made are now really just empty words, and truths may now be as horrible as a lie when the truth is no longer relevant.  The feeling of attempting to keep your head above water with weights tied to the bottoms of your feet.  And you are alone...again...

That moment when you have clarity that all may not be okay, and what you wanted has changed.  The moment who you wanted no longer wants you.  You are, again, alone.

It is funny how quickly this feeling can consume you.  Where once you would share tiny insignificant moments with the other person, you either are searching for something to say, or reaching for the phone realizing the person on the other end of the phone line is no longer who you can or should share this with.  Those tiny insignificant moments become huge monumental mountains to now trek across, and hope you have enough supplies to see you to the other side.  It is worse than the feeling of missing someone because you now understand that someone may not come back.  And you are alone...again...forced to face each dawn with new found aspiration that may not even exist any longer.

Upon looking at yourself in the mirror you wonder who that person in the reflection even is.  They appear to be the same person as the moment before your epiphany, having the same physical features of hair, eyes, nose, lips.  But it is what lies within the eyes, and what lies beneath the lips that create curiosity as to what is staring back at you.  You are no longer the same.  Your heart is no longer the same, your hands no longer able to hold what you found dear.  Your eyes view the world through a veil of fog from the hurt, from the pain.  And the tears that fall are those of anguish that will not be remedied soon.  You are, again, alone.

While you look at the exterior of what you know within the world, you wonder how the sun can still rise in the morning given your hurt.  You wonder why the birds sing their songs while your heart only echoes silence.  You may silently scream for those around you to be silent for the shear respect of your despair.  You feel the ground beneath your feet, but you don't realize where you are going, or even care to remember why you are traveling on the road in the first place.  For all purposes, your world has stopped, and you are finding the very act of breathing to be similar to smothering.  You are sinking in your own self-doubt.  And you are alone...again...

Unable to move for fear you will shatter what is left of your comfort zone, you allow yourself to quietly reflect on those moments that led to this.  You torment yourself with doubt, what if, should have, could have, would have, to find yourself in a dizzy tailspin emoting only exigent fear for always being alone, always feeling this way, and never finding yourself within that reflection again.  That sinking feeling, the overcoming, drowning, suffocating feeling that leaves you bereft, afraid, and once again, alone.