It is funny how quickly time passes. 13 years ago, I was holding this tiny 6lb, 15 oz person, 20 inches in length with the biggest feet and dimples I had ever seen. She was perfect, from head to toe. She had the smallest of features, lips that looked like rosebuds, tiny hands with long fingers and a signature crooked pinkie finger on both hands just like her mother. I was exhilarated, scared, in love, and not sure what to do next all at the same time. The day was chilly, but not cold. Storms had come through the town later that day, and in the days after that the temperature did eventually chill. The ride from hospital to home was the slowest, most cautious drive I have ever been a part of, as her father and I attempted to not have anyone hit the most precious cargo we had ever carried with us in the car.
Those first few days of motherhood were some of the most wonderful I had ever had, and really, there has not been a day that has compared since. Those first moments of holding her, watching her sleep, looking at her perfect little features, and feeling so blessed to have her in my life. There were moments of changing the diapers, feeding time, trying to get her snug in her bed without her being in a position that could cause unintentional death. There was the moments I would look at her sleeping, and wake her up for fear she was not breathing. There were the moments I had read about in the "helpful" books that told me to talk to her, and when looking at her I didn't have a clue what to say...what do you tell someone you have known only by the kicks she provided you for 9 months, not to mention the heartburn, morning sickness, moments of quiet where I would watch her moving slightly within my belly. I talked to her the entire time I was pregnant, but that is far different from talking to her as I was looking at her.
Being a mom, I have learned, is not the easiest job. Not only are you a caregiver, you are their teacher, advisor, chauffeur, nurse, playmate, accountant, cook, maid, and if you are lucky, you are their confidant. You are the first person they learn to trust, the first person they associate with love, and the first person they emulate their own pattern of behavior after. The countless nights I didn't receive a wink of sleep, the times I spent watching her throw a fit, or play with her babies, learn to crawl, walk, and eventually run are long passed. She is now almost as tall as me, with feet that are bigger than mine. She is no longer in need of my help to get around, unless you count a store she would like something from. She no longer looks at me as her end-all, be-all. My daughter is now getting more and more independent with her thoughts, actions, and intentions. She is no longer the little infant I would dress up in pretty dresses just to take her picture; she is a teenager with the ability to dress herself and post endless photos to her Facebook account.
In all the world, I never expected the new job given to me that day to be as hard, both emotionally and physically. I never imagined the new job could leave me some days completely bereft in my attempts to make "house peace". I never imagined how one of my kids singing my favorite songs could make me tear up like a baby, or how seeing them achieve their goals could feel like tiny successes of mine as well. In all the world, I never expected being a mom could mean so much, require so much, take so much, and need so much of my time in so many ways, yet offer me incredible freedoms in other areas that you do not recognize when you are single. I never imagined I could feel unconditional love that, regardless of what my 2 kids will do, is never wavered. I never imagined I would be so blessed as I am in being a mom.
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