Last Christmas was probably the first time in years I was in the holiday mood. I was so excited to have the Christmas tree up. Once up, I had 13 strands of lights on the thing that it blew a breaker and I had to find extension cords that would work for various plug-ins around the living room. I wanted to share my good will toward all by adopting a family and helping them with food and presents during the holiday season. I was SO excited to see the kids open their presents, to spend time with family, and enjoy everything the season had to offer.
I worked in an office where I had been employed for over 4 years. In that four years it was customary to give each other Christmas cards. Last year, while having good cheer, I decided I was only going to give cards to those I wanted to, and be genuine in my actions. That was, until I received a Christmas card from my ex-boyfriend, who was also working at the same company.
"Dear Ruthe Anne Lane (may I still call you that?)
I sincerely hope you believe me when I say that I am really sorry for the way things have worked out between us. I wish it would have been different. Everytime I pass you in the hallway, I want to smile or say "hello" to you. I don't know if you are angry with me or just don't want to acknowledge me right now. I would understand -- whatever the reason- it just hurts me to feel this silent tension from someone with whom I shared some wonderful experiences.
I don't know what you are doing this holiday, but whatever it is, I hope you, Emberleigh, and Tyler all have a wonderful Christmas this year.
Love always,
Michael"
Um, wow! When I first read it I was extremely upset. I was angry. How could he give me a card after starting a new relationship with someone else while we were still together? I believe this is called cheating. But then, I burst into a good healthy laugh. I was no longer pining for this idiot. I was happy to not deal with his issues any longer. As I shared this with friends, we came up with clever ways to respond, if I ever responded. Below are two of the options.
My response:
"Dear Michael,
Thank you for your warm holiday wishes, and, no, you may not call me that any longer.
Had you not lied, made excuses, or cheated things would be different. I have moved on, and don't feel the need to live in the past.
Enclosed you will find a pack of matches. Due to this being the season of good will to all men, I've decided to give them to you rather than use them on you. They will accompany the bag of coal (also enclosed) to keep you warm this season.
Many happy returns,
Ruthe"
An option submitted by a friend, Jessica Higgins:
"Hello,
First let me begin while it was nice of you to get me this card. You could just have said Merry Christmas. However you decided to try and turn a simple card into a way to sound like a nice guy so let me take a mo...ment to answer some of your dumb questions (and really who asks questions in Christmas card? you need to be in the special class by the way).
#1 - no you may not call me by my middle name. You aren't my mother and the fact you had to ask leads me to believe that you knew you couldn't. ...
#2 no you probably shouldn't talk to me because when you could you caused too many problems for me both professionally and personally. So its probably best that you do the whole nod and smile and walk away. Also and this the most important since you have a problem with the truth and you've decided to start a relationship with someone who used to be a friend of mine, and I told you was opportunistic and just overall disgusting and had the nerve to hide it from me. What makes it better you probably were cheating on me because you couldn't be man enough to just end it...I think its probably best that we just don't speak. And when you have an opportunity look up silent treatment you should. Then think of how I treated you the last few months. See a pattern here? Ok good.
#3 if you see me driving at a high rate of speed do not A. Wave, and B. Step in front of me. You will get hit.
#4 you haven't changed and you need to grow a backbone. Once you have maybe we can speak, but since I have never heard of someone growing a backbone after birth please refer to #2.
#5 I know this is a lot to take in so I will keep this short. A card with these corny lines will not aid in your forgiveness. You are still scum and deserve whatever comes your way. Maybe the clap. Also when I asked for items back it isn't a joke. Please return them. Finally Merry Christmas. I know that writing this makes you feel better and maybe gives you some sort of piece of mind, but really it doesn't make me feel any better. You are a loser.
Enclosed you will note a bomb. Yeah a bomb because you are a cry baby and I am going to have to blow this up. Because any evidence of me speaking to you is frowned upon. I know this from personal experience. We also know you can't keep your mouth shut. Any chance you get it you run and tell.
Have a great holiday loser.
I am happy and healthy. It is a wonder what happens to a person when they finally find happiness and a healthy relationship.
Goodbye,
P.S. Holiday cards are not required. So next time there is a holiday that requires a card just say Merry Christmas...it will prevent this awkward experience from happening again"
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