Being a single parent is not a lifestyle choice

I married when I was 21. 5 days after getting married, I learned I was pregnant. Before I turned 22, I had become a mom. I became a mom for the second time just shortly after turning 23. And somewhere between my wedding and the birth of my second child I knew my marriage would not be withstanding the tests of time.

There were many issues within my marriage. To list them now would just feel like walking through another person's story because it happened, and I have decided to move on, let go, and not carry the anger in my heart of mistakes made by him, or by me. I attempted to hold things together as you would use super glue on a broken vase. Yet, when the vase has been dropped more than once, you lose pieces essential to the shape and design of the original piece. Toward the end of living with my husband, I was suffering anxiety and panic attacks at monumental daily records. I was 109 lbs, and on a daily basis I was afraid to go home after work for fear of what was waiting for me on the other side of the front door.

Being a single parent has been a struggle. It is not the same as deciding where you are going to eat on your lunch hour, what clothes you want to wear, or even what route you want to take anywhere you go. It isn't like I woke up one morning and thought - "You know, I think having my kids' dad around and staying married is just not what I want to do today." It was an eventual erosion of mistakes and misdeeds done by both parties. In addition to working full time, supporting my children without help from their father, I am also the sole person responsible for being their personal chauffeur, chef, coach, teacher, nurse, accountant, mentor, and disciplinarian. There is no one helping me in the mornings with gathering lunches together, unless I ask my son. There is no one helping me in the chores around the house unless I can have help from either kid. There have been times when I was not sure how I would pay my bills, much less worry about a birthday party or Christmas presents. And through it all, my kids have never seen my once storming anger toward their father, or even know my true feelings about a person I pledged my life to.

No, this is not a lifestyle choice. This was a decision out of necessity. Most single parents do not "opt" to be alone, or attempt to do this on their own. This was not something I did in a whim. This was a means to a better end for both myself, and my kids, but also my husband.

As a single parent, I am truly and utterly offended when someone says "oh, you are a single mom."

Really?

Or when attempting to date someone who is trying to be nice, but also probably worried about what my extra baggage will cost them in the long run, "Wow, you have kids. I am not sure about the kid thing."

Really? Thank you, Captain Obvious. Not only have you dug up every fear of my never finding a mate due to being a single mom, but you managed to yet again make me feel like I somehow chose to be living this life as I must.

Really, I applaud you for your assumed sincerity, but at the same time please don't do me any favors.

I am sure there are other single parents out there who may be actively searching for the other half of the parenting team, and desire a mother or father for their kids. There are a number of reasons why someone has to walk the road of single parenthood beyond divorce; death being one of them. But I am not actively searching for a father to my kids. They have a father. I am not looking for someone to take me on financially while I sit idly by and quit everything I do. The assumption I would give more responsibility to another person than what they may want is not only hurtful, but also a recipe for disaster. I am searching for love, for acceptance, and for joy. I am not wanting others to look at me and think "Oh, poor Ruthe" and feel the need to care for me in any other way than that of love. I do not want others looking at me and thinking "Yikes! Single mom. That means lots and lots of eventual drama."

This would be similar to me telling someone "Wow, you are going bald," "Wow, you are old," or "Wow, you lack intelligence." There are some things you can not help as an individual. I don't point out obvious flaws within someone else, so why point out the fact I am a single mom as if it is a flaw. I can not change this aspect of my life in being a mom, nor would I ever want to.

You create your own drama. You create your own situations for the most part. And if I feel you are worthy of meeting my kids, don't turn around and use that as your weapon of choice to walk away.