Ruminations

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil.
I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love."
~ Marilyn Monroe

I drove home today...home being the place I grew up during the formative years of 7th through 12th grade. This is the place where I experienced my first "heartbreak", my first kiss, my first realization that my "friends" were probably auditioning for Mean Girls before the movie was even thought of. The place I knew like the back of my hand as I would take long walks through the woods, visit with my friends, and learn about life as a teen.

In going home, I am always amazed at how much things have changed, but really are the same. The high school has new buildings and solar panelled covered parking for students. But the method of getting to the school remains the same. The roads are a bit better, but at the same time still contain potholes with the ability of taking your wheel out. The church I was married in has a new coat of paint, but still has the stained glass windows I remember looking at during the ceremony. My parent's home feels like a mausoleum of times passed.

While being up in my hometown, I thought...I thought a lot. I thought about where I am now, and what disappointments the teenager I was would feel as the adult I am now without the knowledge of experience. I thought about the expectations of what was, and the realizations of what is. I thought about what I want most out of this life, my fears, my worries, and my desires.

I have a very blessed life. My life is filled with wonderful family, and extraordinary children. My life is filled with many friends, both old and new. I want to see them all happy, and realizing their dreams. That is the most blessed gift of all when you are able to see those you love attain their goals, big or small, and watch them blossom from the experience. If I could take upon myself their problems, and fix them, or take upon myself their worries to eliminate theirs, I would in a heartbeat.

I want to also be happy - but that is the wish of every human on the planet. In my happiness, which is also coupled with my desires, I want to be loved by a man who accepts me for who I am. I want to find that person who will compliment my thoughts, desires, needs, and life. I am really tired of being alone.

While I have had relationships, and am currently dating someone, that is far different from actually having someone there for you, holding you when you feel the world is crashing down, or celebrating with you when a success has been made. That is different from being with someone when they are sick, and you are taking care of them. That is different from when life hands you a great unforeseen surprise, and you are left trying to figure out what you are going to do, together, as a team. I have always felt so insecure in dating, only because it is difficult to determine the other person's level of commitment. And knowing my level of commitment being strong, it can sometimes alienate the other person. I am not expecting every relationship I have to lead to the big picture of my life. But I do hold the relationship in the same light of responsibility, respect, and honor as I did while I was married. To this, most men see me as a person who is trying to tie them down, make them settle down. This is even more true due to the fact I have children, and they may be afraid of the instant family syndrome.

You can not just add water to my children and I and POOF! think you will need to worry about their college education. I want someone to be there for me on my worst day, and still be able to tell me they love me, and wouldn't change a thing. I want someone to be there with me on my best day, and celebrate with me as if it was there own success to be had. In a relationship, my other half''s worst day is my worst day. In a relationship, my other half's best day is also my best day. This is what I want more than anything in my life - to have someone willing to do this with me, and actually doing it with me.

I want to not have the worries of money, or if I will be able to afford something as simple as gas in my car. I want to ensure my children have everything they need, and while they may not receive all they want - they will be thankful when receiving some of their wish list items. I am tired of worrying about whether or not I will be able to do something due to money. This is such a small consideration when attempting to be with the person I am dating and needing to travel to see him. Such a small consideration when wanting to get my daughter a new pair of shoes that I know she will not like in 6 weeks, or getting my son a new pair of jeans. This is such a small consideration when I know a friend is in need, and could use some money of their own to do something.

I want to remember the dreams of the teenage Ruthe, who thought anything was possible, and did not realize she could not do something. I want to be that person who was not afraid to take risks, was not afraid to show who she is, say what is on her mind, or show her feelings to those she cares about. I want to still look at life with verve and enthusiasm. In the years since I left my parent's house behind, I have been through very trying circumstances. I want to have ease from these circumstances, even if it is to just fall in love again with someone who will stay this time around. I want my kids to grow up feeling secure in who they are, and knowing they are loved beyond anything else in this world.