Sometimes the bad guys also wear a white hat

I remember watching old Westerns with my dad every Sunday afternoon in between AM and PM sessions of church. The good guys were always tall, handsome, rugged in an intriguing sort of way. They were clean-shaven. They always wore this crisp hat, light colored mostly, that didn't ever seem to have a speck of dust. They were always there to lean on, to carry someone's bags, walk someone across the dusty streets, and be everyone's friend.

Everyone, that is, except the bad guys. Different from the good guys, these men were noticeably different. They were not as tall as the good guys, not as handsome as them either. Their clothes were always dingy, face always dirty, and facial hair present. They were gruff, and mean, and wore dirty hats that looked as if they had seen better days. They weren't helping old ladies - they were antagonizing the old ladies.

Fast forward to today. I wish this same analogy were true. I wish all the good men wore a symbolic white hat to determine them against the symbolic wearing dark hat men. For it seems everytime I think I meet this white brimmed man, he really turns out to be just another person either afraid to commit, afraid to talk, or in the end, very self-centered. Sometimes the bad guys also wear a white hat.

For every relationship I have been in, there has been a combination of good and bad. This is just not on behalf of the other person. With each new person, you learn new things about yourself. You learn new things you may enjoy, new things you do not enjoy, and quite possibly a new way to hurt. My long term relationships consist of my marriage that lasted 9 years of us being together, 3 years of separation before a divorce. After my ex-husband and I separated I was in a relationship with a friend for 10 months. Some of this time was spent long-distance with him working as a merchant Marine. After that, I dated my ex-boyfriend for nearly 5 years, with a brief break (and surely, a sign of insanity) for 9 months when I dated a co-worker. In each, I was a completely different person than I am today. In each, however, I always tried to show him how I felt, offer my patience during their own personal trials, and try to be a supportive person regardless of the hard times. And eventually, for one reason or another, it ended.

In all these relationships, there is a similar factor - me. What is it that I am doing wrong? In my attempts to show someone that I care do I alienate them when they assume I am pressuring them for more, or moving too fast? As long as I know we are together, and you are not wanting to be with someone else, I am willing to wait and see where things go. Is it the possible responsibility to my having children, and the obstacles that may entail. If so, I am not looking for a "daddy" or even a step-father. I am looking for, longing for, and seeking for someone who will encourage my kids, but not be responsible for their actions if they act up. The list of excuses could be a mile long as to why you were once a good guy, and now you transitioned into the opposite, but the fact of the matter is I appreciate honesty, and would rather be told the truth than think it is something I have done, or not be told anything at all as they (whoever the individual is) simply just stop calling.

I am a highly sensitive person and notice when things change. I notice when the voice on the other end of the phone has a different tone. I notice when an email or text message that used to contain many words now only contains 2. I notice when we used to call in the morning, we would talk during the day, and we would talk at night to not having a call. This is my struggle, to not assume something has changed unless being told something has indeed changed. To try to seem nonchalant with whomever the conversations above may be involved with. And when this happens, it always has me thinking it is something I have done, and typically that is not even the case.

Sometimes you don't know what will happen. Sometimes you can everything in common, think the same way, say the same things, and have the same tendencies only to realize that he wasn't necessarily a bad guy, he just was not wearing the right hat.